


With Or Without You

by jenunjen96816



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:36:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 37,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8820817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenunjen96816/pseuds/jenunjen96816
Summary: They're perfect for each other, and they know it, but...Will they or won't they?This is a story about what might have been, what almost was, and what ultimately is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this story a year or two ago, but somehow I have lost all of my stories, so I am going to repost them all again (make take a bit of time, but I will post by relationship so I have at least one thing up for each relationship).
> 
> This story is pretty much based on real life (ie. Ali and Ashlyn are both soccer players on real teams and the national team) than some of my other stories, but there is some AU/OOC (I made up some stuff, played with dates and timings, etc., partially to help set context and drive the story the best way possible, and partially just because I just don’t know all of the actual facts and history for everyone and everything I referenced in the story). Also, I tried to write a story that was less story-driven (unlike my first two stories) and more just about the relationship between Ashlyn and Ali as the driving force in the story. In addition, I tried writing in the first person, which made writing this story more challenging, and I’m not sure if I have all of the tenses correct. Lastly, I wrote part of the story in flashbacks (which I put in italics), which skip around a bit in chronological order, but hopefully it all still makes sense.
> 
> This story will contain conflict, drama, angst, and mature themes, but also some sweet moments as well, and, of course, a happy ending.
> 
> I thank you for reading and for your feedback, and I hope you enjoy the story.

Ashlyn’s POV:

I parked my car and looked out the window. It was the first day of Washington Spirit training camp. I had just signed a two year contract as their starting goalkeeper. I was excited. Excited but nervous. Excited to join the best team in the league. Nervous because I knew I was going to see her. It had been five years since we had last spoke. I took a deep breath, got out, and walked into the camp. I headed to the locker room and was putting on my uniform when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and came face to face with her. Ali Krieger.

“Hey”, I said.

“Hey”, she said back. She was wearing a form-fitting tank top. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a pony tail, and she was staring at me with her lovely brown eyes. She looked beautiful, as she always had.

“Ummmm…how’ve you been?” I asked, unsure of what to say.

“Okay”, she said. “I heard you were joining the team.” This is Ali’s third season with the Spirit. She stared at me for a moment expectantly and then said, “So…?” She spread her arms and arched her eyebrows.

“So…?” I echoed back, playing dumb, even though I knew what she was going to ask me.

“So, what the hell happened? You want to tell me why you just took off?” She stood there and stared at me, and I couldn’t tell if she was mad or just shocked to see me after my disappearing act so many years ago.

I stood there, trying to figure out how to answer. Thoughts started to swirl in my head as I time-traveled through the last ten years. I started to speak, and then the voice came:

“Let’s go! On the field!”

I looked at Ali and said, “I guess we should go. Um, maybe we can talk later?”

“I’m going to hold you to that”, she said. She paused and then said, “stud”, and smiled slightly. I just stared at her. It was the smile that used to get me every time, and apparently it still does, even after all these years.

She turned around to walk out onto the field. As I watched her I snuck a look at her fingers. No ring. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. She could have just taken it off for practice.


	2. Chapter 2

_10 years ago_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_Paris. The most romantic city in the world. That’s what everyone thinks when they think of Paris, right? And there I was, heartbroken._

_Well, to be more specific, I wasn’t technically heartbroken. At least not romantically. I was there with the U-21 national team. We had just taken second place in the U-21 World Championships. We were ranked #3 coming into the tournament, but we really thought we were going to take it all. We had breezed through the group stage, then routed Portugal in the quarter finals. We had a tough game against Brazil in the semis, but we pulled off a 2-1 victory. Our confidence was high. Only Japan stood in our way._

_It was minute 87. We were tied 1-1. It looked like we were going into overtime, but we had been on the offensive for most of the second half. Our attack had been relentless, but we just hadn’t been able to put another one in the back of the net. The Japanese looked tired. Then it happened. Whitney Engen was beaten down by the corner by Miyami. Miyami crossed the ball right on the six, and as I followed it with my eyes, ready to jump for the grab, the inexplicable happened: I tripped my own feet. Not all the way down, but I stumbled just enough to put me off, and in that moment, Ogimi had managed to get a head on the ball and the damn thing waltzed across the goal line. Had I not stumbled I would have grabbed it. But I didn’t. And four minutes later the game was over. So, I guess I’m not exactly heartbroken, but I am really bummed out._

_“Hey”, I heard her say. I turned back and looked at Ali Krieger. After the game, the team had come back to the hotel, and then a bunch of us had come down to the hotel lobby for drinks. Now it was just the two of us remaining at the table. Ali was sitting across the table from me and staring at me with her lovely brown eyes. We’d met just a few months ago at the national training camp. We hadn’t been roommates there, but we had become close. Close enough that I had developed feelings for her that were beyond teammate, and beyond friend. I had noticed her the first day at camp. She had long, flowing brown hair and beautiful eyes. I saw her standing in the equipment line the first day of camp, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I made it a point to sit down next to her during our first meal, and we’ve been friends ever since. Over the next two months I found myself falling for her. I’ve found myself staring at her when she’s not looking, and since we’ve been roommates for this tournament I’ve even stared at her a few times while she’s been sleeping. Not in a creepy way, but the way you stare at someone you’re smitten by. And it’s not just that she’s beautiful. It’s her passion for the game, her sweet personality, her wit. When I had learned that we would be roommates for this tournament, my heart swelled. I mean, this obviously wasn’t a vacation. We came here with a purpose, but that didn’t mean that maybe other things couldn’t happen. I’ll be honest – I’ve fallen for this woman sitting across the table from me. She inspires me, she makes me laugh, and she comforts me. Like she is doing right now._

_“Hey, Ash – you okay?”_

_I came back to the present and slowly nod my head. “I guess so”, I said and looked down._

_Ali reached across the table and touched my arm. “Hey – that could have happened to anyone”, she said. She lightly rubbed her index finger on my skin. We’re not together. We’re just friends. And most likely that’s how she’ll always see me. But it’s these kinds of little things she does, like rubbing my arm with her finger, that make me feel like we should be together. It would be right. I know it would._

_“Thanks”, I said. I smiled at her slightly and then finished my drink._

_“It sucks we couldn’t pull it off. But there’s always next time”, she said consolingly. I know she wanted to win as much as anyone, but at this moment she was trying to cheer me up. She traced her index finger down my arm and then put her hand on top of mine. She gave it a light squeeze. “Hey – at least we got to eat some good food. Better than the stuff at training camp.” She smiled, trying to lighten the mood._

_I laughed slightly and looked up at her. She’s staring back at me with her beautiful eyes. “Yeah, for sure.” I was still down in the dumps, but being with her was making me feel better._

_The waitress approached our table. “Anything else for you ladies?” she asked as she took our empty glasses. I shook my head._

_“No, we’re fine, thanks”, Ali said. “We’ll close out. Charge it to room 438.” The waitress left, and there we were. Me and the girl I’ve fallen for.  
“So, you wanna head up to the room?” she asked me. _

_“I don’t know. I’m not sure”, I said. “I’m tired, but I just don’t think I can sleep right now.” I looked at her and said, “I’m really bummed out.” What I wondered to myself but didn’t say out loud is this: is losing worse because I feel like I let down someone I’m into?_

_Ali stared at me for a moment and then said, “C’mon. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go walk for a bit. It’s nice out, and the fresh air will help make you feel better.” She smiled and stood up. I smiled back, stood up, and we walked out into the Paris night._

_********_

_Ali’s POV:_

_We walked in silence along the river near our hotel. It was a clear summer night in Paris, and there was a slight breeze blowing. I looked over at Ashlyn, and I felt terrible. Terrible because the girl who was becoming my best friend and who I was maybe developing feelings for was so bummed out, and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. I had noticed Ashlyn the first day of national training camp. She was stretching on the field before our morning training session, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She had this sculpted physique and chiseled facial features that gave her a striking beauty, kind of like a Viking goddess, or something. I wanted to go up and introduce myself, but before I knew it we were running around the field. Plus, I’m kind of shy, so I thanked the stars when she took the initiative and sat down next to me that day at lunch. Since then, we had eaten most of our meals together and hung out in the evenings after dinner. We had gone for extra runs together. I found that I was catching myself staring at her, without even noticing, and I would smile to myself when I did. But I’ve never spoken about things with her. For all I know she just sees me as a friend. Plus, we’re teammates, and there’s been so much going on the last few months, gearing up for the tournament and all. We were here with a purpose._

_We started to cross a bridge over the river and slowed as we reached the center. We stopped and stared out over the river. The Paris lights lit up the night, reflections dancing in the calm water. We stood, shoulder to shoulder, looking out._

_“It’s beautiful down here”, I said, trying to distract her, keep her mind off of the loss._

_“Yeah, it is”, she said. “The lights look amazing.”_

_“They do”, I agreed. “I love how they dance on the water.” We stood in silence for a moment and then I said, “Speaking of water, maybe we can take that trip to Hawaii that we’ve been talking about.” She and I have been talking about taking a vacation to Hawaii. Neither of us had ever been._

_“Yeah, that sounds really nice, especially right about now.”_

_I looked over at her and smiled. Then, for some reason, I moved behind her. Maybe it was the drinks. Maybe it was being in Paris. Maybe it was the warm summer air. Maybe it was the whole situation of us losing, her being so bummed out, and me not knowing what to do to cheer her up. Or maybe it was the fact that this was maybe what I wanted and just didn’t quite know it yet, and my body was moving faster than my heart or my brain. I put my arms around her waist and nuzzled against the back of her neck. She covered my arms with hers and leaned back slightly, still staring at the water._

_“Hey”, I said. “You’re amazing.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“You really are”, I said. “Don’t ever doubt that.”_

_“Thanks”, she said again._

_We stayed like that for a few minutes, and then I turned her around to face me, holding her right hand in my left. “You wanna head back?” I asked._

_“Sure”, she said. I smiled and then lead us off the bridge and then back to the hotel._

_A block before we reached the hotel I let go of her hand. I smiled at her as I did, and she smiled back. I think she understood. It would be weird if anyone we knew or any media or paparazzi saw us walking hand in hand. We went through the lobby and up to our room. I opened the door and ushered her in, then closed and locked the door behind us. I threw my keys onto the small table and then turned and looked at her. She was staring at me, her mouth slightly open._

_“Hey”, I said, moving closer._

_“Hey”, Ashlyn said back._

_“Do you feel better?” I asked as I moved even closer._

_“I think so, yeah”, she said. We were close, less than a foot apart. I smiled at her and then took off her fedora and tossed it on the floor. “Ali-“ she started. “What are you-“_

_“I don’t know”, I said, as I closer still. Less than six inches apart. I wasn't exactly sure of what was happening, but I kept moving._

_“Wait, are you sure…” she trailed off._

_“I don’t know”, I said again. We were two inches apart. I could feel her breath on me. My mind was scrambling, flip-flopping, tripping, but my body was in motion. “But before I change my mind, stud-“_

_That was apparently all she needed to hear. She grabbed the back of my neck and slammed my lips into hers. We stayed like that for a hot minute, tongues dancing, and then she practically lifted me up and threw me onto her bed._


	3. Chapter 3

Ali’s POV:

It was weird seeing Ashlyn after all these years. We had been so close for the first five years we had known each other. Then she left me, and I hadn’t seen or spoken with her since. I guess in some small way I was relieved, since I needed time to think and sort things out for myself, but the truth was that it hurt when she dropped me from her life. No warning. No calls. Not texts, no emails, nothing. I could have tracked her down – I mean, she’s a professional soccer player, so she’s not exactly anonymous, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted her to get in touch with me. After the first thirty or so unanswered tries of me reaching out to her, I figured she owed it to me to return at least one. When I had heard she was joining the Spirit my gut clenched. I had spent the last two weeks preparing myself to see her, but now, actually seeing her again, all of those feelings – the hurt, the anger, the feeling of abandonment, but also all of the other feelings I'd had for her - came rushing back. I don’t know why I needed to talk with her again one on one. Maybe I needed closure, or something.

After practice I held her to her saying that we would talk later, so we ended up at TJ’s Bar and Grill, a few miles from where we practice. It was a Monday night, and the bar was practically empty, so we had taken a table towards the back and were making headway through dinner and multiple rounds of drinks. We were in season, so I really shouldn’t be drinking, but I needed something tonight. I don’t drink that much these days, and I was feeling a little tipsy.

“So, when did you get back?” I asked her.

“Last week. The transfer happened fast.”

“And…how does it feel to be back?”

“Good, I think”, she said. “I’m still adjusting a bit though.”

I took a sip of my drink, trying to find a way to segue into the question that I really wanted to know. “And, did you enjoy it over there?” She had been playing soccer in Europe for the last five years, bouncing between various clubs. That’s kind of how it works for us.

“Yeah, um, it was great”, she said. She seemed hesitant, reticent, almost like she knew what I was going to ask.

“More than when we were there together?” I asked and raised my eyebrows to prompt an answer.

“Ali…”she said.

“Why’d you do it?” I asked her. She didn’t answer, so I kept on. “You just took off. One day you were there, and the next day you weren’t. I didn’t even know you were gone until three days after you had left. They said you had been transferred to Tyreso, and that you had already left the country.” I waited for her to say something, but she looked down and remained silent. “Ashlyn, what happened? You didn’t tell me. You never called. You never texted. Not one message, nothing from you.” 

“Look, Ali-“ she began but I cut her off.

“I must have sent you thirty calls, texts and emails, and you couldn’t return one?” I stared at her and let it hang. I wanted an answer. She sat silent for a moment, then looked up at me. “So, what - were we one and done?”

“What?” 

“Our hook up, remember? In Paris? So then, what was it? You hooked up with me and then just took off?

“No, Ali, that’s not how it was”, she said.

“Then how was it?” I stared at her. After five years of nothing, I wanted an answer. She sat there, silent for a moment, staring down at her drink, and then spoke.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I didn’t text, or email. I really am.” She smiled slightly at me in apology, and I smiled back. “I just needed time and space to figure things out for myself.”

“Time and space away from your best friend?” I said. “I mean, I am your best friend, right? Or was, or used to be, or whatever?”

She nodded. I could tell she felt bad about dropping me from her life, and I softened up.

“Hey, I’m sorry about what I just said about us being one-and-done. I didn’t mean it like that.” I paused and then said, “I guess I just, well, I guess I was just, I don’t know. Hurt I guess. I mean, we were so close for so long, and then you just up and left one day. I guess I felt abandoned.” We were silent for a moment, and then I looked at her and smiled a bit in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Well, I guess I got over it. I figured, maybe, you were just too busy over there, slayin’ the ladies and all, to keep in touch”, I said in a lighter tone.

“No, not really”, she said and looked at me. “And, I mean…it’s not like you couldn’t find company.”

I smiled. “I guess not, but, well, you know…I missed your company.”

“Ali-“ she began, but I cut her off.

“It’s okay. I mean, it doesn’t matter now. We’re both here…” I paused and let it hang. She looked at me, and then said it. “And, um...just so you know...I’m with someone.”

She stared at me for a second and then said, “Wow, okay. Well, um…what’s the story?”

“Her name is Kate. We met at the grocery store, of all places. We were in the produce section. She recognized me and we started talking. She asked me out right there, and we’ve been together every since.”

“Wow”, she said again.

“I guess you would have known that if you had kept in touch.” She smiled a bit but didn’t say anything, so I kept on. “I thought best friends were supposed to keep in touch”, I said, part ribbing, part serious.

She exhaled, then looked at me and said, “Have things ever worked out the way they’re supposed to with us?”

 

******** 

_  
9 years ago_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_“Hey you”, I said as I picked up the phone._

_“Hi stud, how’s it going?” Ali’s voice came through the receiver._

_She had started called me stud, ever since our night together in Paris last year. It made me smile. It made me smile and it made me burn. We’re not together, but every day I hope that will someday that will change. After that night, we woke up tangled in my bed the next morning, but we didn’t talk about what had happened. And we haven’t talked about it since. When we left the hotel we hugged a prolonged hug, and then she gave me a quick peck on the lips. I didn’t know if she wanted to do more but didn’t because the team was around us, or because maybe that had been a one-time thing for her, but for whatever reason, that was where we left it. Ali went back to Germany, where she played for Frankfurt. I went back to the states for my last year as a Tar Heel. I haven’t seen Ali since then. We've talked on the phone a lot and Face Timed each other sometimes, but other than that it had been almost a year since I’d seen her in person. She’s become my best friend, which I love, but it also kind of hurts, because I want more._

_“I’m okay”, I say. “How’s Germany treating my princess?” I had started calling her princess. The stud and the princess. You’d think we were together, the way we talk to each other sometimes. But we’re not._

_“Things are good”, she says._

_We talk for a little while, and then I said, “So, I have a bit of time off between my transition to the Freedom. I was thinking about maybe visiting you in Germany for a few days, or a week, or something.”_

_“That would be great!” Ali said. She sounded enthusiastic._

_“Awesome. I’ll book my flight and let you know when I’m coming in.”_

_“Yay!” she almost squealed into the phone. “See you soon, stud.”_

_“Bye, princess”, I said. I hung up the phone and smiled._

_********_

_Two weeks later Ali and I were at a club in Frankfurt. I’d been there for almost a week and was headed back to DC the next day. I’d been staying in Ali’s small apartment. There was only a small couch as furniture, so we’d been sharing her bed. Nothing had happened, but it had been a fun week anyway. We’d been shopping, sightseeing, running together and going out to eat. We hadn’t been holding hands or anything, but it was just nice being around her. Ali had been training, but she wasn’t in season yet, so for my last night in town we went to a club near her place to have a few drinks and do some dancing. We grabbed a table near the back and ordered some drinks._

_“Busy place”, I said. The joint was crowded with lots of 20-30 somethings._

_“Yeah, it’s a popular place”, she said. Then she leaned in. “It’s a prime place for hooking up.” She winked at me and smiled._

_I smiled back. That would have been a good segue into me asking her if she had been on any dates or if she had been seeing anyone in the last year, but we’ve never talked with each other about seeing anyone else. She’s never asked me, and I’ve never asked her. We’ve also never talked about us. For some reason it makes me feel weird every time I think about talking about that with her. I figured maybe we shouldn’t start in on the deep stuff right now. Might be best to just enjoy our last night together. Our drinks came, and we sipped in silence for a moment._

_“I’m glad you’re here.” She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, those eyes that I could just fall into forever and never come out. “I’ve missed you.”_

_“I’ve missed you too.”_

_“It’s just not the same without you around.”_

_“I know. I feel the same way.”_

_Ali tipped back the last of her drink and then stood up. She grabbed my hand and said, “C’mon , stud – let’s go dance.” I tipped my drink back, and off we went. She lead me onto the dance floor and grabbed my hands. We danced like that for a few minutes, and then she turned her back towards me and backed up into me. We were dancing close. I had my hands on her hips. We danced like that for a while and then she turned around to face me. I looked into her eyes and then looked down. She was wearing a low cut dress. I could see right down, and I started to breathe a little heavier. I thought about our time together in Paris. She took the fedora off my head and placed it on her own, and then put her arms around my neck. She pulled me in close._

_“Hi”, I heard her say over the music._

_“Hi”, I said back._

_We danced like that for a while, and then she asked, “Do you want to get out of here?” I nodded my head. We closed our tab and left._

_I was feeling a little tipsy as we stepped outside, and I reached for her hand. She took it and smiled at me, and we held hands for the first time since Paris. We walked hand in hand back to her place, and she unlocked the door. We went inside, and as soon as she tossed her keys onto the table I turned her towards me and put my arms around her neck. I felt her hands go to my waist, and then I planted a kiss on her lips. I’d wanted to do that since the moment I had arrived, but I’d been afraid. Afraid of what might happen if she didn’t want this. I’d been trying to read the signs all week, but I just hadn’t been able to. I know we’re friends. Best friends. I just can’t tell if we’re more, and I desperately want to be. I felt her lips meet mine. This was really happening. It was meant to be. We’re going to be together. I went to deepen the kiss. I push my tongue into her mouth, and that’s when I feel her face pull away from mine._

_“Al?” I breathed._

_She looked at me but didn’t say anything._

_“Al, what’s wrong?” I began._

_“Nothing”, she says, her hands still on my hips._

_“Did you want…do you not want to…”_

_“I-I-“ she began and then paused._

_“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this…”_

_“I…I don’t know”, she said._

_I stood there, stunned. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the gut. “I’m sorry”, I said again. “I just thought that…well, we were dancing together, and then we held hands as we left the club, and we’ve done it before…”, I started rambling._

_“I know”, she said and looked down._

_I took my hands and cupped her face. “Ali, look at me”, I said. She paused for a second and then slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine. “Talk to me”, I said._

_“Look, Ash…I-I-I don’t know what I want.”_

_I felt a sickening feeling start to creep in. “Look, Al…I’m so sorry…” I began._

_“Ash, no. Look, I mean, it’s just that…”, she exhaled a deep breath. “I guess I just mean that, well, you’re m-“_

_“I know, I’m your best friend”, I said. I took my hands off of her face and looked down at the ground. I knew where this was going. It wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be. I felt the world starting to cave in on me. I tried to contain my breathing. “I’m your best friend, and you don’t want this, and this is just a mistake”, I said, hoping more than anything that she would correct me and say that it wasn’t._

_“Ash – look at me”, she said. She took her hands off of my hips, put a finger to my chin and lifted my head up. “You don’t need to apologize. This isn’t a mistake, and Paris wasn’t a mistake either.” She paused for a moment and then said, “I’m sorry if I lead you on, and I think you’re amazing, but…I don’t know…we’re teammates, and more importantly, you’re my best friend, and…I just don’t want to do anything that might screw that up.” She looked at me for another second and then smiled slightly._

_I smiled back. Not at the result, but at least the tension had started to dissipate. “Yeah, I know. Me too”, I said. We stayed there for a moment, smiling at each other, and then I pulled her into a hug. She nuzzled her face against me, and I could feel her breath on my neck. I could smell her scent, and a tear formed in my eye. She pulled away and looked at me._

_“You’re crying”, she said, as she wiped my tear with her finger._

_“I know”, I said, as another one formed. “It’s just that…well, you mean so much to me.” More than she would ever know, and more than I would ever mean to her._

_She smiled. “You mean so much to me, too”, she said, and then took my hands in hers. “C’mon, stud. Let’s go to sleep”, she said. “You’ve got an early flight tomorrow.”_

_I smiled back, mouthed “okay” and then let go of her hands. We changed for bed, and then she turned off the lights, and we crawled into her bed together. She fell asleep, her arm draped over my body and her head nuzzled into my shoulder, and I stared at the ceiling and fought back another tear._

_********_

_Ali’s POV:  
I laid there in the bed with Ashlyn, feigning sleep, my arm draped over her chest and my face nuzzled into her neck. She had initiated the kiss thirty minutes before, and I don’t exactly know why I stopped it. She’s my national teammate, and more importantly, she’s my best friend, but still I don’t know exactly why. Part of me wants more with her, but part of me is afraid. Maybe it’s because I’m in Germany, all alone. I haven’t made any close friends out here. I need my friends, and I especially need my best friend. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of trying a long distance relationship, and if it failed, I’d lose not only my girlfriend but also my best friend, and then I’d be even more alone. I’ve never had a better friend, and it scares me to think about losing her. Maybe if we had been in the same town then I would have been more willing to try, but, I mean, it’s not exactly like multiple offers for multiple millions are rolling in, and I have a choice of where I play, and therefore where to live. I kind of have to take what I can get. Same goes for her. And somehow, friendships seem to deal better with distance than romantic relationships. I’ve never lost a friend due to distance, but I know plenty of people who’ve had failed relationships over distance. And so I shut it down. And, as I laid there, unable to sleep, I wondered if I had made the right decision._


	4. Chapter 4

Ashlyn’s POV:

We left the bar and walked to our cars, which were parked right next to each other, the only two cars in the lot. I unlocked my car and then turned to face Ali. We stood between our cars, facing each other.

“Thanks for dinner tonight”, I said. Ali had paid for me. I hadn’t expected that.

“You’re welcome”, she said and smiled. “I’m glad we got to reconnect.”

“Me too”, I said and smiled slightly back.

“It’s nice to see you again.” She was staring at me, and I felt my stomach hitch. I took a step closer.

“It’s nice to see you too”, I said. Then without thinking I reached out, and my hands went to her hips. She looked down, and then I felt her put her hands over mine.

“Ash – I have a girlfriend....”, she trailed off.

My stomach tightened, just like it had when she had mentioned it at dinner. That feeling of someone kicking me in the gut came right back, even after all the time that had passed, I stared at her for a moment and then said. “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, no – it’s not your fault”, she said quickly. We stayed there for a moment. Then, I took my hand and moved it up to her chest.

“Ash…” she said, as my hand made its way north. She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, those eyes that always drew me in. I slowly traced her collarbone with my index finger. 

“Tell me to stop”, I breathed. I know she said she has a girlfriend, but I couldn’t help myself. After all these years, I finally had found the courage to make another play for the one that I had always wanted.

She looked at me for a moment longer and then said, “I don’t want you to stop”, and with that I grabbed the back of her neck and slammed her lips into mine. We stayed like that for a hot minute, tongues dancing, and then I reached back, opened my driver’s side door, and pulled her into my car.

 

******** 

 

I laid on my back, sprawled out on the back seat of my car. Ali was on top of me. Sweat glistened on our bodies. I stroked her hair softly as she rested her head on my chest.

“Hey”, I whispered.

She didn’t respond, so I said, “Hey” again. She didn’t answer so I asked, “Hey princess, are you okay?”

She raised her head and looked at me. Something came over her. I could see it in her eyes. The passion and desire that had been there just five minutes ago had changed to something more serious. She moved a bit closer to me, and at first I thought she was going to kiss me again, but instead she said, “What happened here can’t leave this car.”

“Al?” I said. She started to get up off of me. “Wait, Ali.”

“I have to go”, she said”, as she hurriedly put on her clothes.

“Wait Ali, w-w-what is it?” I said again. I tried to grab her hand but she pulled away from me, opened the door and backed out of my car. “Ali, please-“ I started, as she got in her car and drove off.

   
******** 

_  
8 years ago_

_Ali’s POV:_

_“It so nice to be back in the states”, I said as I took Ashlyn’s arm. We were in New York City for the weekend. It was Ashlyn’s first year out of college, and she was playing for the Western New York Flash. I was visiting the states from Germany for the week. Pinoe and Carli were free for the weekend, so we all decided to meet up in the big city for dinner. We haven’t all been together in like a year, since the last tournament that we all played together in for the national team, so this was a rare chance for us to all see each other. Ashlyn and I had arrived in New York City earlier today, and now we were walking to the restaurant, just a few blocks from our hotel. “Are you happy to have me back, stud?” I asked flirtatiously. I looked over at her and smiled._

_She looked over at me and smiled. “Of course I am”, she said, and touched her index finger lightly to my lips. “Are you happy to be back?”_

_“Yeah”, I said, as I continued to look at her. She was wearing a black suit with a white shirt and red suspenders, and she looked striking as always. I nuzzled my head against her shoulder as we walked. I was looking forward to seeing Pinoe and Carli again, but I was most excited to be with Ashlyn. This was the weekend I was going to make things right. “So, I was thinking, maybe you can come visit me in Frankfurt again?” I said, in a question that was more of a statement. I really wanted her to come back there. I wanted a do-over. Out loud I said, “We can make it like a switch-off thing. For as long as we’re not living in the same city, we can take turns visiting each other.”_

_“Um, yeah. I’d like that”, she said, and then added, “I’ll just have to see where I am next year, or where you are, and um, yeah…we can go from there.”_

_I smiled at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Okay, stud”, I said. She smiled back, and I felt butterflies in my stomach._

_********_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_Dinner was great. The food was fantastic, it was wonderful to see the girls, and Ali looked dazzling in her red dress and matching heels. We ate leisurely, drank lots of wine, and then ordered dessert._

_“God, it’s so awesome to hang with you guys again”, Pinoe said, as dessert arrived. She opened another bottle of wine and topped off everyone’s glass, then turned to me. “So Harris, what’s up with this girl you hooked up with a few weeks ago?”_

_“Oh, it’s nothing”, I said. I had been chatting on the phone with Pinoe about a week ago and had told her about some recent hookups that I’d had. I hadn’t mentioned anything to Ali. We’ve never talked about that stuff to each other, us with other people. I was hoping that Pinoe wouldn’t bring it up, but I couldn’t exactly tell her not to, because then she would ask me why she couldn’t bring it up, and then it would spiral from there._

_Ali stopped eating. “Wait – what’s this?” she said and looked at me._

_“You don’t know about this?” Pinoe looked at Ali, and then at me. “You didn’t tell her?” I shook my head, and then Pinoe looked back at Ali. “Harris is, like, slayin’ the ladies out here in Nueva Yorka”, Pinoe said._

_I laughed modestly. “No, I’m not. It was just a few.”_

_“A few? More like half a dozen, that’s what you told me, right, Harris?” Pinoe looked at me for verification, and she nodded in the affirmative when my silence confirmed it. It was true. I had started sleeping around a bit since I got back from Germany. I needed to take my mind off the fact that I was in love with my best friend, who would never love me back. Soccer had been gaining popularity, and since I played for the Flash, I was somewhat recognizable. Hence, I get hit on relatively often these days. Of course I’d rather have Ali than sleep around, but the latter was better than nothing. I’ll take anything I can for however long I can get it, if it distracts me from the fact that I can’t have the one I want. But I was afraid to tell her this. What if she freaked out? At best, it would be awkward. I imagined her telling me that she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about her, but that we could still be friends. At worst, I’d lose my best friend. I imagined it going down that way, the look on her face, stunned and disbelieving, and then her walking away from me forever. I can’t bear the thought of not having her in my life, so I resigned myself to playing it safe, not rocking the boat, and doing whatever I needed to do to keep her in my life._

_“I’m surprised you don’t know about this”, Pinoe said to Ali._

_“Pinoe – not everyone is as obsessed as you are with everyone else’s personal lives, alright”? I looked at Ali and smiled slightly. “Al and I have other things to talk about.”_

_“Whoa, Harris”, Pinoe said. “Alrighty, then. Didn’t mean to touch a nerve there.”_

_Evidently I had come off a little testier than I head meant to. I recovered quickly and laughed for show. “It’s all good, Pinoe. I’m just sayin’.”_

_“Well, alright, cool”, Pinoe said. “Hey Carli – how’s Brian doing?” she asked, and Carli took the floor. She started reminiscing about how she used to visit Brian when he was in med school, and I thought about how Ali had mentioned earlier that she wanted me to visit her again in Frankfurt. Even just thinking about going back to the place where the woman of my dreams had shut down whatever we might have had was enough to make me feel queasy. I could only hope that, when it’s my turn to visit her, she’s somewhere far away from Germany._

_********_

_Ali’s POV:_

_After dinner, I took Ashlyn’s arm and we walked around Manhattan for a bit. We talked about trivial things, but the whole time, I was thinking about what Pinoe had said. Ashlyn had slept with multiple women since I had last seen her. I had almost spit out my chocolate torte when Pinoe had first mentioned it at dinner. My appetite had gone right out the door when Ashlyn had confirmed it. I had forced myself to eat a bit more of my cake, but the whole time my stomach was in a knot. Part of me had wanted to go right back to the hotel and cry in the bathroom. But, a bigger part of me wanted to spend as much time as possible with Ashlyn, so I suggested that we walk around for a bit. Over the last year I’ve realized one thing – I only really feel complete when I’m with her._

_It had been my doing. I had been the one to halt whatever might have taken place between us. After Ashlyn had left Germany, all I could think about was whether or not I had made the right decision. We continued to talk on a regular basis. She was still my best friend, but after a few months, I had realized that I had not made the right decision. I should have taken a chance. That’s why I came back here to visit. Yes, I wanted to see Pinoe and Carli, but what I really wanted to do was talk with Ashlyn in person._

_I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to tell her that I had made a mistake, and that I wanted to give us a shot, even with the distance. I had planned on talking with her after dinner, after we had said our goodbyes to Pinoe and Carli. I had booked us one hotel room with two beds, but I had planned on only using one. I just didn’t want to give anything away before we talked, which is why I hadn't booked a room with just one bed. I imagined us talking, me saying how sorry I was and that I realized I had made a mistake, her melting into my arms and saying that she forgives me, tears flowing down both of our faces. We would engage in the most glorious kiss ever, and then she would take me and lead me to one of the beds. We’d spend the night making love, and I would fall asleep in her arms. We’d wake up the next day and make plans right away for her to visit me in Germany so I could show her around the right way, together. That had been my plan – to tell her in person that I had made the wrong decision, to ask her to give us a shot, and then have her back to Germany and do it right. But now, that wasn’t going to happen. I had missed the window of opportunity, and clearly she’d moved on. She’s been with six women in the last year. She’s obviously not interested in having a relationship, and I can’t be with her if she’s with other women. There’s no way I’ll take the chance now and tell her how I really feel. And, just say I did. What if she freaks out? Then I’ll lose my best friend, and I can’t not have her in my life. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. And I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that I’ll never have to find out._

_After walking around for a bit we walked back to our hotel. We got into our room and I tossed my purse on the table. I felt like shit, and my neck was hurting me so I started to rub it, and that’s when I felt her come up behind me._

_“Hey, you okay?” she asked as her hands went to my neck. I could feel her breath on my bare shoulders._

_“Yeah, I’m okay”, I said. I was facing away from her, and I felt a tear form in my eye. I held it back and said, “My neck just hurts, that’s all.” She continued to massage it for a few minutes, and then she turned me around to face her. She took my hands in hers._

_“Hey, Al”, she said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my hookups.” I just stared at her, so she continued. “I mean, I didn’t think you would really, uh, I guess, care, and, well, I thought maybe it wasn’t worth mentioning.”_

_Of course I would have cared. Of course I would have cared about knowing that the woman I’m in love with was hooking up with other women. But I couldn’t say that. Definitely not now. We’re past that. Well, she’s past that. I’m in love with her, but she obviously doesn’t want a relationship. So I just smiled back and said, “You don’t need to apologize. You don’t owe me anything on that front.” I paused for a moment and then said, “I mean…you’re a total stud. Who wouldn’t want you?” I squeezed her hands. “It-“ I started but then stopped._

_“What, princess?”_

_She still calls me princess. It makes me smile. And it makes me hurt, since we’re not together. “I was going to say “It’s not like we’re together”, but I don’t think I could have gotten that out without bursting into tears. So I said, “Nothing”, and smiled._

_She smiled back. “Well, I can keep you informed if you’d like”, she said, I think jokingly._

_“No, that’s okay”, I said. “I don’t need to know.” I really didn’t._


	5. Chapter 5

Ali’s POV

I drove home, numb and in a haze. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I had a wonderful thing going with a beautiful, smart and sweet woman. I had just done the unthinkable, and I don’t know why I had done it. Maybe it was the drinks. Maybe it was the way Ashlyn looked, striking, as she always had. Or maybe it was because it had been my fault that things had never worked out between us, and that I had made the wrong decision and now wanted to try to right that wrong. Maybe I had just wanted to see what the right choice would have felt like. But right now it felt wrong. Horribly wrong. They same timing is everything, but this time had gotten me nothing. I had betrayed Kate. I imagined the look on her face if she knew about what had just happened, and tears welled up in my eyes.

I arrived home and ran into my apartment, tears pouring out of my eyes. I stripped off my clothes and jumped in the shower, hoping the water would wash away the shame and guilt I felt. Tears kept streaming down my face. I got out, wrapped a towel around myself, and walked out of the bathroom into my living roo-

“Hey sweetie”, she said. I looked up and froze. Kate was in my apartment. We’ve been together for about a year now. We had recently started talking about moving in together, so we had given each other keys to our apartments. Now here she was. She looked like she had just gotten off of work. She was a higher-up at some kind of investment firm and sometimes worked late hours.

I stared at her, mouth open, tears still streaming down my face.

“Ali, what’s wrong?”

“I-I-I” I began but couldn’t get it out.

“Sweetie…” Kate began. She reached out and took a step towards me. I stayed motionless for a moment and then ran into the bathroom and locked the door.


	6. Chapter 6

_7 years ago_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_“So, it looks like you ended up making it out here after all”, Ali said._

_“Yeah, it looks like.” It was my first week in Germany. Duisburg, to be exact. I had just signed a contract with FCR 2001. Ali was still playing in Frankfurt. She had come to visit me in Duisburg to help me get settled in before training for the season started. I hadn’t seen her since her last visit to the states. We still talked all the time, and she’s still my best friend. But, as I looked over at her unpacking one of my boxes, I thought a thought that has been a constant companion for me since that night in Frankfurt: she doesn’t want more, and it’s never going to happen._

_“Hey, where’s that grey fedora?” she asked as she started unpacking my clothes._

_“What grey fedora”, I said, although I knew exactly which one she was talking about._

_“The one you used to wear all the time. You wore it Paris and in Frankfurt as well."_

_“I sold it to a thrift shop”, I said._

_“Oh. I noticed you haven’t worn it the last couple times we’ve been with each other.”_

_“Yeah, I’m trying to switch up my look.” I had stopped wearing that hat after she had denied me in Germany. I had actually tossed it in the trash when Ali had dropped me off at the Frankfurt airport. I couldn’t look at it without being reminded of the single most heart wrenching moment of my life._

_“Awwww, I liked that hat”, she purred. I looked at her and smiled. Of course I wasn’t going to tell her why I had gotten rid of it. “Anyway, it’s too bad you couldn’t come visit me earlier this year in Frankfurt. Ingrid and I would have loved to have had you with us over the holidays.”_

_I smiled slightly. Ingrid was Ali’s girlfriend. They had met a few months after Ali’s last visit to the states. Ingrid worked for a sports marketing company based in Frankfurt. Ali had told me about her. I tried to act like I was interested when she talked about her, seeing as how it’s my best friend talking about her girlfriend, but it hurts. “Yeah, it would have been nice”, I said. “Unfortunately I just couldn’t make it work.” In reality, I didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want to spend the holidays in the apartment of the woman I loved while she snuggled up with her girlfriend. So I lied and said I needed to spend the holidays back home in Florida with my family, and I promised to visit her and Ingrid soon. Basically, I’d just been trying to buy as much time as possible before I would actually have to make a visit, but as my luck would have it, the Flash transferred me to FCR 2001 in Duisburg. So here I am, back in Germany. “Well, I’m out here now.”_

_“I’m glad you’re here”, she said. She looked at me and smiled her dazzling smile as she started unpacking some dishes and putting them in the kitchen. I had a quick fantasy about us moving in together, and her unpacking dishes and putting them in the kitchen. Our kitchen, in a place that we had together. “Well, even if you’re not in the same town, we’re close enough. Now we can see each other a lot more that we have been able to in the last three years”._

_“Yeah”, I looked at her and smiled. “It’ll be nice.” It would be nice, to be able to see her. Even thought she’s with someone else, it would still be nice to see her more than I have been. The two years since my visit to Frankfurt had done nothing to quell my feelings for her. I only feel complete when I’m around her. Without her I feel empty. It would be worth seeing her more even if it meant braving the pain of knowing that she’s with someone else, just to be around her more. That’s how much I’m in love with her._

_********_

_“So, who’s throwing this party again?” Ali asked me as she looped her arm through mine._

_“Tatiana, the FCR 201 manager”, I reminded her. Tatiana had invited me to her annual pre-season party. I didn’t really want to go. I’d rather spend the time alone with Ali, since I actually had her all to myself, and her girlfriend wasn’t within 100 miles of here, but I since I was the new girl on the team, and since I didn’t really know anyone yet, I figured I should make an appearance._

_As we approached the house, Ali said, “Hey stud, can we talk about something later tonight?”_

_“Uh, sure”, I said. My senses heightened. This sounded like it could be serious. I wondered what she wanted. “Is it bad?” I asked. “It sounds serious, princess”, I said, and then smiled, trying to be light-hearted._

_She laughed lightly. “No, it’s good. I think.”_

_“You think?” I wanted to pry more, but I could tell that she didn’t want to talk about whatever it was now, and we had arrived at the house. Tatiana greeted us at the door, and I introduced her to Ali. She ushered us in. There were about fifty people in attendance. Tatiana went to get us some drinks and then introduced me to the rest of the guests. As we went around the room, I introduced Ali as my friend, wishing I could put the word “girl” in front of “friend”._

_“Excuse me, Tatiana, where’s the rest room?” Ali asked, as we finished making the rounds._

_“Oh, right over there”, Tatiana said and pointed._

_“Thanks”, Ali said to Tatiana and then turned to me. “Hey stud, I’ll be right back.” She still called me stud, and it still felt good but kind of hurt. Every time._

_“You want me to escort you?” I asked her._

_“No, I’ll be fine. I’ll be back in a minute.” It would have been nice for her to have said yes, please escort me, like we were together. Even though we weren’t, it would have been nice to pretend. She smiled at me, ran her finger down my forearm and then turned around. I watched her walk down the hall in her beige dress and brown heels._

_“I love your tattoos”, a voice came from behind me and to my left. I turned and came face to face with a stunning woman with auburn hair and a nice smile._

_“Thank you”, I said._

_“I love the intricacy in the artwork”, she said. She took her finger and lightly traced a patch of black work on my forearm. Then she extended her hand. “I’m Greta”, she said, introducing herself. She spoke English with a cultured German accent._

_“Ashlyn”, I said. We shook hands._

_“Of course. You are the new American star goalkeeper. We are so glad to have you on the team.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_So, is that your girlfriend?” Greta asked, nodding towards the direction that Ali headed._

_“No...um…she’s…just a friend.” I said, wishing I could say she was more._

_“Lucky for me”, Greta said, and took a step closer._

_For some reason I kind of don’t want Ali to see us talking, but, well, it’s not like Ali and I are together. Thinking about that hurts. “So, um, Greta, what do you do? Do you work for the team?” I ask._

_“No, I’m a friend of Tatiana’s, and just a fan of the team. And now a bigger one”, Greta said with a smile, as she again touched my arm again._

_“Hey”, Ali said, walking up to us. Of course, Ali walked up right when Greta touched my arm. My luck is awesome._

_“Hey Al. Ali, this is Greta. Greta, this is my friend Ali.”_

_“Nice to meet you”, Ali said and smiled._

_“And you”, Greta replied. “Your friend is magnificent”, she said to Ali, and then looked at me._

_Ali smiled tightly. “I know. She is”, she said, and then she looked at me and widened her smile._

_“Well”, Greta said. “I suppose I should, how do you Americans say, ‘mingle’, so I will leave you two.” She looked at me and said, “I’d like to take you out sometime soon.” Germans were forward._

_I didn’t want to take the date. I wanted Ali to step in and say, “Actually Greta – we are together, and no, you can’t take her out.” I imagined Ali kissing me right in front of Greta, then taking me by the hand and leading me out of Tatiana’s house and back to my apartment. She would wrap me in her arms as soon as we stepped in the door, and then we would kiss. We would kiss, and she would tell me that she loved me, and that she was sorry it took her so long to realize that we were meant to be together. I would tell her that I’ve been waiting for her to say that, that that’s all I ever wanted, and that she doesn’t need to apologize, now that we are going to be together. I would tell her that I’m sorry I’ve been sleeping around, and that the only reason I’ve been sleeping around is to fill the void left by not having her. Then she would push me onto the bed and climb on top of me. She would start to take off my tie and then my shirt, but I would stop her. I would stop her and ask her if she’s sure that this is what she really wants, and she would say yes, I am sure. I really want this, I’ve wanted it all along, and I was stupid for not realizing it earlier. And then she would take off my shirt, and kiss her way down my stomach while her hands found their way to the button on my pants-_

_“Ashlyn?”_

_I came back to the present. Greta was standing there, her card in her hand._

_“I’m sorry”, I said. I looked at Greta, then at Ali, and then back at Greta, and then back at Ali, and reality hit me once again. Ali is with someone. I’ll never be more than her best friend. And if it takes me going out on a date and possibly who knows what more with Greta or anyone else to forget that I will never be more than Ali’s best friend, than so be it. “Sounds good”, I said. I smiled and took the card. Greta smiled back at me and then walked away. I put the card in my pocket and then looked at Ali, who smiled at me wistfully._

_“God, you’re a stud”, she said, and then looked down at her drink._

_********_

_Ali’s POV_

_We got back to Ashlyn’s apartment. We changed for bed and then crawled in together. She only has one bed and at the moment no couch, so we have been sleeping in it together. I turned to face her in the darkness._

_“Thanks for having me here”, I said. I could feel her turn towards me. We were less than a foot away._

_“Thanks for coming to visit me. Next time, I’ll come visit you and Ingrid in Frankfurt.”_

_I winced in the darkness. The truth was that Ingrid and I were having problems. She’s kind, funny, smart and motivated, but she’s just not the one for me. The woman lying a foot away from me, facing me in the darkness, is the one for me. I had screwed up bad, and I wanted to make it right. I’d even moved apartments in Frankfurt, because I couldn’t stand living in the one I had been in when I had stonewalled whatever we could have had. Just being there reminded me of the biggest mistake of my life. I came to visit tell Ashlyn to tell her all of this. I wanted to tell her that I was breaking it off with Ingrid. I wanted to tell her that even though she's slept around a bit, I don’t care. Now that she’s here in Germany, we could be together. I was going to tell her tonight, after the party. I was going to get a few drinks in me to work up my courage, and then I was going to tell her that Ingrid wasn't the one for me, and then I was going to lay it out for her. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I had made a mistake, that I loved her, and that we belonged together. I’ve missed her so much. The year apart since I last saw her in New York has done nothing to quell my feelings for her, and now that we live so close, distance wouldn’t be a factor. We could see each other often. I’d even be willing to do all the driving and come to see her if it meant that I got to see her. But none of that was going to happen now. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship, and I can’t bear the thought of her telling me that she doesn’t want to be with me._

_“Hey, princess.”_

_“Hmmmm”, I said. She still calls me princess. And it still feels good. And it still hurts. Every time._

_“What did you want to talk with me about?”_

_“Hmmmm?”_

_“Earlier tonight, when we walked up to the party. You said you wanted to talk with me about something. What was it?_

_This was it. This was the moment where I could tell her everything, tell her that I’m madly in love with her and that I want to be hers and that I want her to be mine. I started to open my mouth, but then the image of Greta touching Ashlyn’s arm popped into my head, and then I thought about Ashlyn taking Greta’s card, and then I thought about them going out on a date together, Greta gazing across the dinner table into Ashlyn’s eyes, Greta taking Ashlyn’s arm while they walked, Greta doing all of the things that I should be the one doing with my stud, and I clammed up._

_“Nothing”, I said. “I’m just…I’m just glad that I got to see you this week.”_

_And that’s what I went with._


	7. Chapter 7

Ashlyn’s POV:

We were in the locker room after practice. I hadn’t spoken to Ali all day, except for whatever we needed to say to each other on the field. I looked over and saw her quickly stuffing her belongings in her bag. I grabbed my bag, closed my locker and walked over to her.

“Hey”, I said.

“Hey”, she said, still packing. She didn’t look up at me.

“Can we talk?”

She continued to pack for a couple more seconds and then zipped up her bag and closed her locker. She turned around and looked at me. “Okay”, she said.

“Look, about last night…I’m sorry. I…I know you said you have a girlfriend, and I…I…I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well, I may not have a girlfriend anymore”, Ali said.

“W-w-what, wait…did you tell her?” I stammered out.

“She was there, Ashlyn”, Kate said. At first I thought she meant that Kate had been there in the parking lot, and my mouth dropped open, and then Ali said, “She was there in my apartment.”

“Wait – like, when you got home?”

“Yes, when I got home.”

“Oh my God”, I said.

“Yeah, ‘oh my God’ is right, Ashlyn.”

I sat there and stared at her for a moment. There was a bit of edge in her voice, and I kind of felt like she was coming after me, but I kept my tone level. “So…what happened?”

“I came out of the shower, bawling over what I had done, and there she was, in my living room. We have keys to each other’s apartments.”

“Wow…” I said. Keys to each other’s apartments. Their relationship was more serious than I had thought, although I guess I had no reason to have thought otherwise.

“We’ve been talking about moving in together. Now, because of what happened last night, Ashlyn, that’s not going to happen.”

“Wow”, I said again. I wanted to ask her what happened after that, but there was an undertone her Ali’s voice that told me not to. It was almost an accusatory undertone, as if what happened last night between us was my fault. “Well, I’m sorry again…for my part in last night.”

“Well, you should be”, she said.

“Well, I am”, I said, and then paused. Something in me snapped a bit, and I became on edge. Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said next, but it came out nonetheless. “You know what? You had a part in that too, last night.”

“What did you just say?”

“You heard me. You had a part too.” I was getting angrier. All of the bad feelings were starting to come back. “It wasn’t all me.” I continued on, my voice taking on an edge. “It takes two people to hook up, Ali.”

“I cheated on Kate because of you!” she yelled. I jolted back. That caught me totally off guard. I looked around. Fortunately the locker room was empty by now.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I cheated because of you!” she yelled again.

“What, so last night was all my fault?”

“Yes!”

“And how is that, Ali? Huh?!”

“Because you broke my heart!” I stood there, stunned for a moment. “That’s right! You broke my heart!”

“Wait, what?!” My mind was reeling, trying to comprehend what she was saying. “What are you talking about?”

“You broke my heart”, she said again.

“W-w-w-how?”

“Because I was in love with you, and you didn’t want me.”

“I-I-I don’t understand”, I said, in shock. I didn’t know where this was coming from. “You’re the one who pushed me away, remember? Frankfurt? Your apartment? After the club?” 

“Yeah I did, and I’m sorry, and I’ve regretted it ever since”, she said. Tears started forming in her eyes.

“Jesus, Ali. W-w-why didn’t you ever say anything?” I asked. Seeing her upset made me upset. Not like I wasn’t already upset. Tears had started forming in my eyes as well.

“Because you were sleeping with half the fuckin’ world!” she yelled at me.

“Wait – what did you just say?” I looked at her in disbelief.

“You were sleeping with half the world! You destroyed me, Ashlyn! It was killing me! All those times, all those other women”, she sobbed through sniffles and tears.

“Sleeping with half the world?! First off, it wasn’t that many people, and the only reason I started sleeping around was because the woman I loved wouldn’t have me!” I paused and looked at her as I saw that what I had just said registered in her eyes. She had never realized that I had been in love with her, just as I had never realized she had been in love with me. “Yes, that’s right! I loved you! I loved you too, Ali. I fell in love with you the first day I met you, and all I wanted was for us to be together, and when you kissed me in Paris, it was like the world lit up for me, even though I was so down in the dumps over losing us the biggest game of our lives. And then, when you rejected me in Frankfurt, I was devastated. It was like someone kicked me in the gut. My world just came crumbling apart, and I’ve been trying to put it back together ever since! All I’ve ever wanted was for you to want me like I want you. That’s why I started sleeping around, Ali. To fill the void of not having you in my life. I needed something, anything to distract me from the pain that the woman I loved didn’t love me back! So you broke my heart too!”

“Oh my God”, she said, as realization sunk in. We were silent for a moment, and then she said, “Well, at least you didn’t have to see the woman you loved sleeping with every other woman in the world but the woman who loved her.”

“You’re the one who pushed me away, remember? Stop making it sound like it’s all my fault!”

“It’s not, okay? It’s my fault!” she raged in my face. I stood still. “There, I said it. It’s my fault. You can fucking blame me! Is that what you want to hear?”

I stood there, silent for a moment, hurt rushing to my face. “Nooooo. Ali - that’s not what I want to hear. You think I want to blame you? Oh my God - I can’t believe you just fucking said that!” The tears came flowing down my face. “I never wanted to blame you. I wanted to hear you say you loved me.” I was quiet for another minute and then said, “I wish you would have said something.”

“I didn’t think you wanted a relationship.”

“I wanted one with you, Ali. God, you should have said something.”

She wiped her face with her sleeve, and then said, “I wanted to say something, so many times, I wanted to say something, but it was clear you didn’t want me, and I was afraid that you would say no, that you didn’t feel the same way, and that you’d freak out, and then I would have lost my best friend.” She paused and then said, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I was afraid too. I was afraid to tell you that I loved you, because I couldn’t bear the thought of you telling me that you didn’t feel the same way about me the way I felt about you, and that you would freak out, and then I’d lose you in my life, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you in my life, so I settled for taking whatever I could get from you.” More tears were flowing. “You fucking hurt me, Ali. You hurt me in Frankfurt and for the next four years after. That’s why I never called you when I left for Europe. I needed to forget all of the pain, leave it all behind, and I got the opportunity to go halfway across the world. And it hurt for a while, but then it got better, and I had finally got to a point where I was okay, and then I saw you yesterday and it all came rushing back.” Tears were flowing again. “So, I’m sorry I hurt you, Ali, but you hurt me too.” I looked at her through my tears. She was staring at the ground, wiping her eyes. “God, Ali, all I wanted was for you to change your mind and tell me that you loved me.”

“And all I wanted was for you to tell me you loved me, and to give me another chance to make things right”, she said. She paused for a second and then said. “That’s why I slept with you last night. I wanted to take back the biggest mistake of my life and give it a try.” She was silent for a moment, and then she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, “I’m so sorry, Ashlyn.”

I stared at her through tears and then said, “I’m sorry too, Ali.”

We were both silent, wiping tears from out faces. “So, where does this leave us?” I asked.

“I don’t know”, she said. She was silent for a moment and then said, “I wish I could ask my best friend what I should do”, she said.

“So do I”, I said. I looked at her one last time, tears still streaming down her face, and then I hurried out of the locker room, wiping tears from my eyes.

 

******** 

 

Ali’s POV:

After Ashlyn and I had spilled our guts I got in my car and drove back to my apartment. Even after what I had just went through, I hoped Kate would be there, that we could talk things out, and that I could get at least one woman back in my life, but when I got back I was greeted by emptiness. I dropped my bag and sat down on my couch, overwhelmed with emotion, ping-ponging between thoughts of losing my girlfriend and thoughts of what had just happened in the last 24 hours between me and my former best friend. 

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I’d never had any idea that she had ever been in love with me. Well, maybe for a hot minute in Frankfurt, but other than that, I never would have imagined that she had felt anything like what she had just told me. I could see the pain in her face and hear it in her voice when she told me that all of those times she slept with someone else was just to help her forget that she was in love with me and that I would never have her. It churned my gut to think about that.

Could Ashlyn and I make it work? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m single now. It seems like she is too, otherwise I figured she would have said something by now. And for once we both actually live in the same city. More importantly, though, should we try? My mind swirled with thoughts. Part of me wanted to, even though I had just cheated on my girlfriend of almost a year, but part of me was reluctant. Maybe too much has gone down between Ashlyn and me. If it was supposed to happen then it should have happened by now. I hear people say sometimes that you have all the control in your life to make anything happen, but after what I’ve been though I feel like the world sometimes just throws you a curve ball, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Maybe we are better off as just friends. It may be too late to have a relationship, but maybe we can rebuild a friendship again. I’d like that. I hated losing my best friend. It hurt not to have her in my life, and it hurts to not have my best friend right now.

   
******** 

_  
5 years ago_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_We were at the season kick-off party that the Red Stars threw at the opening of each season. It was Friday night, and the whole team was there. Pinoe and Carli had had just been signed to the Red Stars roster. I was returning for my second season. Ali had transferred mid-season last year, and she was returning for another season as well. With four members of the national team on our roster, we were the team to beat this year. The Red Stars had rented out a bar for the night, and everyone in the organization as well as members of the media and press were in attendance. The four of us were standing at a table, working our way through our second round of drinks._

_After I had taken Ali out on a ‘fake’ date when she had first transferred to Chicago, we started spending more time together. We went shopping together, went for runs together, got coffee together. We even went for dinner together a few more times. It was kind of like being together, even more so since she way staying with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment and sleeping in my bed with me. We weren’t really together, but it was kind of like playing girlfriends. It was nice. Eventually, though, reality set in, and I realized once again that I was never going to have her. One night, after a game against Seattle, the team went out for drinks. Ali had skipped out since she had taken a hard tackle during the match and wanted to go home and ice her knee. At the bar I was approached by a good-looking brunette with long hair and nice eyes. I’d had a few too many drinks, and I ended up going home with her. I hadn’t actually hooked up with anyone since my fake date with Ali, but after that hookup, Ali and I stopped hanging out as much. I remember coming home the next morning and seeing the look on her face as I walked through the front door and she was at the breakfast table drinking her morning coffee. I almost felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend, and for some reason I got the feeling that she almost felt cheated on. For the next few weeks after that we continued to do stuff together, but that dwindled down and we stopped hanging out as much, so I started hooking up more frequently again. Ali moved out and got her own place. I cried the entire first night after. Sleeping in that bed without her once again just reminded me that I’d never be with her. Since she moved out we’d grown more distant. We still talked, but not as much. She stopped calling me stud. It always kind of hurt when she used to call me that, even though I also kind of liked it. Now I think it hurts more that she doesn’t call me that, and I want to get it back. Even though we’ll never be together, I want to at least get back to where we were before I hooked up after that game against Seattle._

_“This is gonna be a great season”, Pinoe said. “The four of us together again.”_

_“I know, right? And at the club level? We’re gonna dominate!” Ali said._

_“Ranked number one coming into this year”, Carli added. “And we’ve got the best defensive pairing in the league.” She looked at Ali and me and smiled._

_“Hey - put ‘em up, guys”, Pinoe said. She raised her drink, and we all clinked glasses._

_“So, who wants another drink?” Carli asked as she downed her last sip._

_“Me”, Pinoe said._

_“I’m good for now”, Ali said._

_“Me too”, I said._

_“Alright, we’ll be right back”, Pinoe said. She grabbed Carli’s hand and they made for the bar._

_“Hey”, I said and smiled._

_“Hey”, she said and smiled back. She was wearing a black cocktail dress and black suede open toe heels. She looked amazing, as always._

_“Listen, I know we haven’t been as close as of late, but I’d like to get back to…you know, like, hanging out again.” I said._

_She looked at me for a moment with her beautiful brown eyes and then said, “Yeah, me too”, she said, and my stomach fluttered, just like it had so many times before, anytime I got what I felt was a glimmer of hope for us. Maybe this time, this was the restart that I had been waiting for. I had actually been considering asking Ali out on another fake date. Maybe just to coffee or something. We could start slow, work our way back up to dinners, and then maybe, just maybe, I would tell her how I felt. I was still unsure of how I would handle rejection if that’s the way it went, and having to see her every day at practice, games and press conferences was weighing into my calculations, but since we weren’t hanging out as much these days, I’ve had time to think, and I had slowly been working my way back up to having the courage to ask her out, even if it was just on another fake date. Maybe I’d even ask her later tonight, after a few drinks and depending on how the night went._

_“I miss you”, I said._

_She smiled that beautiful smile that gets me every time, and she looked like she was about to say something when a familiar voice interrupted our moment alone together._

_“Ashlyn?” I looked over. Tom Johnson, the team’s general manager, was approaching me._

_“Hey Tom”, I said. I was annoyed at my moment alone with the girl of my dreams being interrupted, but it was my boss, so I had to play nice. “Great party”, I said._

_“Thanks. Sorry to bother you, but do you have a minute?”_

_“Sure, what’s up?” I asked._

_“Uh, let’s talk upstairs in the lounge, if that’s okay”, Tom said._

_I looked at Ali, as if to ask a girlfriend for her permission so I could take her leave momentarily, and she smiled slightly and nodded._

_“Okay”, I said, looking at Tom._

_“I’ll bring her right back, Ali”, Tom said. Ali smiled at me and touched my arm. I smiled at her, wishing I could lean in and kiss her, and then I grabbed my drink and followed Tom upstairs. The lounge was an open area on the second floor of the club and it overlooked the bottom floor._

_“So, what’s up?” I asked._

_“Ashlyn, I’ve been talking with Tyreso FF”, Tom began. “They’re looking to offer up a trade. As you know, they’re gearing up for the European club championships, which are starting in two weeks. Ulsa Cederlund just went down with a shoulder injury last week. She’ll be out for the rest of the season.” I knew who Ulsa was. She was Tyreso’s keeper and a key component in their defense._

_“Okay…” I let it hang._

_“Tomas Skogsberg, Tyreso’s GM, is looking for a goalkeeper”, Tom continued. “Tyreso has a good shot of winning the championship this year, but they won’t do it without a strong keeper.” Tom looked right at me and then said, “He asked me about you, Ashlyn. He wants to bring you over.”_

_“Really?” I hadn’t expected that. I looked over at Ali. She was at the table by herself. Pinoe and Carli hadn’t made it back yet. I got momentarily lost in thought as I looked at her in her dress and heels, and that’s when I saw it. A tall blonde in a sharp pin-stripe suit came over to the table and stood right next to Ali. The club was loud, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the noise, but I saw the blonde say something and Ali laugh. The blonde offered her hand and Ali shook it. Then the blonde said something again and touched Ali lightly on the back. Obvious flirting. My gut clenched, and I took another sip of my drink._

_“Yup. They want to bring you over”, Tom continued. “In exchange they’re offering us our choice of two of their players after their championships for our season this year. We’re coming in ranked number one this year, and we’ve got a good chance at winning the championship. Two Tyreso players would boost that chance. Now, as you know, we have the right to transfer your contract, but I wanted to talk with you first. You’d be a huge asset to Tyreso, but you’re also a key member of the Red Stars as well. So, I am going to leave it up to you to make the choice. If you left, we’d slot in Haley Comet to take your place.” Haley was the backup keeper for the Stars. “By the way, the money for you would be substantial.”_

_I stared at Tom, my wheels turning. When I set out for this party earlier I hadn’t expected to be talking about something like this tonight. “How substantial?” I asked._

_“Like, three times substantial.”_

_“Wow”, I said. “Okay. So…what would happen if I said yes?”_

_“Well, we’d have to move fast. Like real fast. You’d have to leave tomorrow.”_

_“Tomorrow?”_

_“Yes, tomorrow. I know – it’s real fast, but they want you practicing with the team in three days. We’re holding a ticket at O'Hare in your name. You would leave tomorrow evening, arrive around noon the next day, take the rest of that day to settle in, and then you’d be on the field the following morning.”_

_“Wow, that is real fast.” I took another look at the table. The blonde has cozied up shoulder to shoulder with Ali and was running her finger along the shoulder strap of her dress. My gut clenched again. “What about all of my stuff here? My apartment, my car-“_

_“We’d make arrangements to take care of all of that. Re-rent your apartment, sell your car, ship out all of your belongings”, Tom said. “Tyreso has offered to cover the costs of an apartment for you, get you a car, and cover all costs to ship over your stuff.”_

_“Wow”, I said again. Star treatment. They must really want me. I haven’t always been the starting keeper, so the fact that Tyreso was extending such a generous offer was speaking to me. This really was an amazing opportunity. In fact, there was really only one reason I wouldn’t go. My mind was ping-ponging between thinking about that and thinking about what was happening down below. I looked at the table. Pinoe and Carli had made it back, and I saw Ali introducing them to the blonde. The blonde shook their hands and then put her hand on Ali’s back again. My gut clenched yet again._

_“Look, Ashlyn, I’m sorry I had to bring this up here, in this setting, with such short notice and everything, but this came up so quick that we really didn’t have a choice.”_

_I looked at Tom and thought for a moment, then asked, “So, when do you need to know?”_

_“Tomorrow by noon”, Tom said. “Look – I know it’s a sudden move, but this is a chance for you to play in Europe on a team that’s got a shot at the club championship title. Let’s be frank – playing in Europe would elevate your game to another level. Now, obviously we’d miss you if you went, but this is a hell of an opportunity for you. And it’s just until the end of their season, which is only a month and a half from now. If you want, you can come back after the tournament and rejoin us mid-season for the rest of our season. You’ll have your starting place back, and we’ll pay you a full years’ salary. Then you could go back to Tyreso for their next season.” He looked at me for a second and then said, “Well, you have my number. Let me know, Ashlyn.” He smiled and then said, “Now get down there and enjoy the party.”_

_********_

_“Hey, where were you?” Carli asked as I rejoined the table._

_“Oh, I was just talking with Tom about something”, I said._

_“Everything alright?” Pinoe asked._

_“Yeah, I’m good, I said.”_

_“Hey Ashlyn, this is Lauren”, Ali said._

_“Hello Ashlyn, nice to meet you”, Lauren said. She offered her hand for me to shake._

_“Hi”, I said. I shook it, and my gut clenched for the fourth time tonight._

_“Lauren works in media relations for the Chicago Tribune”, Ali said._

_“That’s cool. Do you like it?” Pinoe asked._

_“Yes, I do”, Lauren said. “The pay is good, and I get to work with fabulous athletes”, she said, and then looked at Ali and again ran her finger along the strap of Ali’s dress._

_“That’s great”, I said, as I finished my drink._

_********_

_Pinoe, Carli, Ali, Lauren and I walked outside of the club._

_“So, I wanna going dancing”, Pinoe said. “Who’s in?”_

_“I am”, Carli said._

_Lauren turned to Ali. “Do you want to go?”_

_“Sure”, Ali said. She looked at Lauren for a moment, and then Lauren leaned in and gave Ali a quick kiss on the lips. Ali giggled and smiled at her, then looked at me. “Ash – you in?”_

_“No, I think I’m going to go home”, I said._

_“Awwww, c’mon dude, you sure?” Pinoe asked._

_“C’mon Ash”, Carli said. “It’s going to be a great season – let’s all start it off together with a bang.”_

_“No, I’m good guys, but thanks.” I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. I hailed a cab and started to get in. “You guys have fun”, I said as I got in._

_“Alright, see you at practice on Monday”, Ali called after me._

_I closed the door and the cab started off. Hearing Pinoe mention dancing while Ali was in front of me brought me back to Frankfurt, and then just seeing Ali kiss Lauren made me feel nauseous, and I couldn't be around that for one minute longer. I just can’t be seeing that. I can’t be seeing the woman I love kissing or being or doing anything in any way, shape or form with another woman. All of a sudden all of the heartache from the last five years caught up to me and came crashing down, and I just wanted to get as far away as possible. I looked back out of the rear window, and I saw Carli and Pinoe talking, and then I saw Lauren lean in and kiss Ali again. Ali smiled at her, and then turned and waved at me. Tears came pouring out of my eyes. I shut them hard, turned around and began sobbing uncontrollably._

_“Are you okay?” the cab driver asked._

_“Yeah, I’m fine”, I said, between sobs._

_“Here”, the cab driver handed me a tissue. I took it and dabbed my eyes and wiped the tears off my face. I closed my eyes again, exhaled a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes I had made my decision._

_Sweden, here I come._

_********_

_  
Ali’s POV: _

_I stood there with Lauren and watched as Ashlyn got in the cab. She had been acting weird ever since she had returned from talking with Tom. Right before that, she had said how she missed me and how she wanted us to get back to seeing each other more. I was about to tell her that I missed her too, and I was kind of hoping that she was going to maybe ask me out to dinner again. Even if it was just as friends it would be nice. Then maybe we could start going out even more, and eventually it would turn into something more. But after she got back from talking with Tom, she had been silent for most of the rest of the night. Then, when we left the bar to go dancing, I was surprised to hear her say she didn’t want to come. She usually loves dancing. And I wanted to dance with her. I wasn’t really using Lauren to make her jealous – I mean, she’s pretty and she seems nice and all. The kiss she just gave me was just a harmless little kiss that she initiated, and Ashlyn probably didn’t even notice, or if she did, she probably didn't even care – but I thought that maybe having Lauren around tonight would motivate Ashlyn to make a move on me, because that’s what I really wanted. I wanted the girl that I want to want me back, to make a move on me and claim me as hers._

_As the cab pulled away I saw Ashlyn turn around and look at us out of the back window. For some reason I got the sense that she was crying. I smiled and waved at her, and she turned around, not smiling or waving back. Something was wrong. We’d drifted apart in the last year, but I still felt it in my heart that she’s the one for me. I’ve dated a few people in the last five years, and every time I've meet someone I've started out with high expectations, but no one has ever compared to her. And no one ever will. Five years gone and I was still in love with her. As I watched her pull away in the cab, I made a mental note to talk with her when I saw her at practice on Monday._


	8. Chapter 8

Ashlyn’s POV:

A week had gone by since my talk with Ali, and I was still really bummed. It had hurt so bad, to see her cry, and to know that I was the one who had caused it, sleeping with other women while her gut wrenched because she thought I didn’t love her. I hated how we had left things, her standing there crying, me walking out of the locker room crying. Since then it’s been a rough week at practice. She’s not totally avoiding me, but she’s been very cool towards me. We make it a point to say hi to each other, but other than what we need to say to each other on the field, that’s about the extent of our communication.

I was feeling restless, so I ended up going to a bar down the street from my place. It was relatively empty, except for a group of women who looked to be on a roller derby team, and two couples playing pool. I sat down at the far end of the bar and ordered a beer. I’m not much of a drinker, but tonight it felt like thinking and drinking would be the thing to do.

It’s funny how things happen sometimes. If only I had known. If only she had known. If only we had known. I’ve been spinning that in my head non-stop since our talk. When Ali told me that she had been in love with me, and that all she wanted was for me to love her back, my world just turned upside down. I couldn’t believe it. All that time, she loved me, I loved her, and neither one of us knew. Each of us thought that the other only wanted to be friends. How could we not have known? And now, since we both live here, could we give it a shot? Should we even give it a shot? It’s so funny that this is the closest we’ve ever lived to each other physically, and yet we’re so far apart emotionally. Fucking Murphy’s Law. They say timing is everything. Apparently my timing sucks. I don’t know. Maybe we should just be friends. Maybe too much has happened between us. I guess if it was supposed to be, it probably would have happened by now.

“I love your artwork”, I heard a voice say. Hearing that snapped me out of my thoughts. It also brought me back to Duisburg and Greta. I thought about how I had wanted Ali to step in and swoop me away, and I twitched involuntarily, but I recovered and looked up. In front of me was a dark-haired woman who looked to be in her mid-late twenties with a nice smile and tattoos scattered across her arms and shoulders. She was wearing a black tank top that said DC Demoncats. She looked down at my left arm and then looked up at me. “Where do you get your work done?” she asked me.

“Well, I just moved here, so I don’t have an artist here, but I’ve had work done everywhere I’ve lived”, I said.

“And where else have you lived?” she asked.

“Florida, North Carolina, New York, Europe, Chicago.”

“Well, if you need a recco for a good artist in town I can give you one.”

“Thank you”, I said.

““I’m Courtney. Courtney Shove”, she said, and offered her hand.

“Is that…that’s not your real name, is it?” I asked.

“No, it’s not”, she said and laughed. “We’re all on a roller derby team”, she motioned with her hand to her teammates, “and we all get to pick a rink name that we use when we play. Mine is a play on Courtney-“

“Love, yup, I get it”, I said, and then smiled. “It’s clever.”

“Thank you”, she said, then looked at me. “My real name is Ashley.”

“Ashley?” I asked.

“Yup, Ashley.” She looked at me and then moved a bit closer and bumped her shoulder against mine. “Ashlyn and Ashley”, she said and smiled.

“You know my name?”

“Of course I do. I know who you are, Ashlyn Harris.”

“I’m surprised you recognize me”, I said. I mean, I’m not exactly Tiger Woods.

“Star goalkeeper for the Spirit.” She looked at me and smiled to accentuate the compliment. I smiled back graciously. “Everyone should recognize you. I mean, it’s about time we got our due.” I assumed she meant women in sports. “Then again, maybe it’s better for me if that’s not the case. That way, I can have you all to myself”, she said and smiled. I smiled back at the compliment. I wasn’t really looking for anything. In fact, I hadn't really expected to even talk to anyone tonight, but I had to admit – after what I had been through this week, it was kind of nice to talk with someone who was clearly interested in me. She looked at me, and then she ran her finger down my tattoos, tracing a line from my elbow to my wrist.

“Ashley”, I said, “look, I-“

“Oh…wait”, she said and took her hand away. “Did I just overstep my bounds?” When I didn’t answer she said, “I’m sorry – you don’t want – oh my God - do you have…? You have a girlfriend. I-I-I’m so sorry…” she rambled and started to back away.

“No, Ashley”, I said and put up my hands. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just…I’ve had a very rough week, and, well, I never thought I’d ever hear myself say this, but I just don’t want anything right now.” I looked at her and smiled apologetically. 

Ashley smiled back. “I understand”, she said. She paused for a moment and then asked, “How about another drink?”, as she pointed to my almost-empty glass. “You can want one of those. It’s okay to want one of those, right?” I looked at her. I had come down here with the goal of just getting out of my apartment and having a drink alone, but her smile and upbeat attitude was winning me over. “No commitment, just another drink”, she said and then smiled even wider. “We can keep it light.” She looked at my arm again, and then at her arms, and then back at me. “We can talk about tattoos.”

I looked at her for a moment and then smiled slightly again and motioned for her to take the bar stool next to me.


	9. Chapter 9

Ali’s POV:

After I had run into the bathroom last week, Kate had spent the next fifteen minutes trying to coax me out. I couldn’t come out, so we talked through the door. I told her what had happened. By the time I was done I was babbling incoherently. I heard Kate crying on the other side of the door and then I heard the door to my apartment open and then close. I stayed in the bathroom for another hour to make sure she was indeed gone, and then I slowly crawled out. I sat on the floor in the hallway for the rest of the night, bawling my eyes out.

I sent her a text the next day, saying how sorry I was. I hadn’t expected to hear back, but three days later I did. She said she wanted to meet. Now we were at coffee. I was in the middle of trying to explain my actions. She was sitting across from me and looking at me, expecting me to say something.

“I don’t know”, I said, looking down. I couldn’t meet her eyes.

“So you don’t know why it happened?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I needed closure, or something.” Kate knew about my past with Ashlyn. I had never hid from her the fact that I used to be in love with Ashlyn.

“Ali – look at me”, she said. I remained looking down for a moment and then slowly looked up. She was looking right at me. “And did you get your closure?”

“Yes.” I wasn’t sure if I had, but I knew any answer other than yes wouldn’t suffice.

“Can you promise me that this will never happen again?”

“Yes”, I said.

She was quiet for a moment and then said, “Look, Ali – I’m really hurt right now, and I really want to be able to tell you that it’s over between us, but I just can’t bring myself to break it off with you. I really like you, and we have something good going." She paused and then said, "I’m 30, and I’m not dating just to date. I’m looking towards my future. And maybe that future is still with you, but I want to be sure.“ She was silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you want your future to be with me?”

I nodded.

“Okay, then.” Kate sat quiet for a moment and then said, “Ali – like I said, this hurts. But we’ve been together almost a year. And before this it had been a good year. That’s not something I am inclined to turn away lightly, and if you’re sure that you want a future with me, then I am willing to give this another chance.”

“Thank you”, I squeaked out.

“Well, you’re a wonderful woman, Ali, and I’m willing to give this another shot. But it’s not going to happen overnight. We’re going to take a step back.” Kate was methodical. She was methodical, calculated, and she controlled her emotions well, all traits that made her good at her job. She was the youngest VP in her company, working in a profession that demanded keeping a cool head dealing with finances in a volatile market. I admired her poise as we talked. In fact, I couldn’t believe that we were even talking at all. If that had been me in her place, I don’t know what I would have done. But, I guess that’s the difference between me and her, and it’s one of the things I love about her. In fact, I don’t think she’s ever yelled at me, including even after what I pulled a few days ago. “I want to make sure that this is right, for both of us”, she continued. She dug into her purse and took the keys to my apartment that I had given her off her keychain.” I’m giving these back to you”, she said, and handed them across the table to me. “And I want mine back.” I looked up at her and felt a tear starting to well up in my eye. “Moving in is not happening, at least not yet”, Kate said. “Like I said, I’m willing to give this another chance, but we need to take a step back.”

“I love you, Kate”, I said as I handed her back her keys.

“Ali - I want us both to be sure that this is really what you want. And us taking a step back will give you time to think about what you really want and if this is really right for you.”

“It is.”

“No”, she said and put her hands up. “I don’t want an answer right now. We are going to take our time with this. I want you to really think about things. I want to be sure.” She put her hand over mine. “Give me a week to myself. Then you can call me and take me out, and we can go from there, but right now it hurts, and I need a bit of time to myself.”

“Thank you”, I said graciously. I couldn’t actually believe she was willing to even consider giving me a second chance, after what I had pulled. “It’s more than I deserve.”

“I believe in second chances, especially when it comes down to something important for the long run. But, more importantly, I want to make sure this is what’s right, for both of us.”

“Thank you again”, I said as she got up.

“Goodbye, Ali. You can call me soon”, she said, then kissed me on the cheek and left. I sat there and wiped the tear that had formed in my eye. So many thoughts were running through my head. I was bummed that I had fucked up with my girlfriend, but I was relieved that she was giving me a second chance. I felt like I should make a full commitment to making things right between us, even though I wasn’t sure that that was really what I wanted, just because she was being gracious enough to give me a second chance. On top of that, things are awkward with Ashlyn, the one person I thought would always be there for me. I wish I could talk with my best friend about my girlfriend problems, but it’s my best friend that caused my girlfriend problems. Actually that’s not true. I caused them, with my best friend, because I used to be in love with her. And maybe I still am in love with her. And now I’ve got problems with my girlfriend, and I’ve lost my best friend. That’s why I never took this plunge before, because I was afraid that if I took a chance, things were going to fuck up. And here I am.  
 

******** 

_  
6 years ago_

_Ashlyn’s POV_

_“Hey princess”, I said, looking into my laptop screen.”_

_“Hi stud”, Ali said. Her voice sounded tinny coming through my speakers, but still beautiful as always._

_“So, you texted me that you have something you want to talk with me about?”_

_“Yeah – my transfer went through!” she squealed and clapped._

_“It did?!” I half-asked, half-said, excitedly._

_“Yup. I’ll officially be on the roster of the Chicago Red Stars in less than 2 weeks!” She smiled her brilliant smile at me and then said, “We’ll be together again!” I’ve been on the Red Stars for a few months now. Ali is on loan from Frankfurt and is pulling a mid-season transfer._

_“Wow, 2 weeks? That’s fast”, I said._

_“Yup. It all came together super fast. It’s gonna be a quick move. I gotta pack, find a place, etc.”_

_““Do you need help? Finding a place?”_

_“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe”, she said and then sighed. “I’m like, kind of overwhelmed right now.”_

_I thought for a moment and then said, “Why don’t you just stay with me?”_

_“What – you mean, like, live with you?”_

_“Yeah”, I said. It came out too quick. Was that too much? “Well, I mean, you can move in, at least for right now, and we can see how it goes. I mean, we don’t make a lot, and places are kind of expensive here. We can at least save some money for a bit.” I tried to make it about the money, to cover up my real reason for me wanting us to live together._

_“Okay! Well, I mean, are you sure that would be okay?” I smiled and nodded, and then she said, “Awesome!” She was silent for a moment, and then said, “Hey stud, if it goes well, I mean, if us living together goes well…would you…I don’t know…maybe consider living together permanently? I mean, at least for however long we are both in Chicago?”_

_“Sure I would”, I said, and I saw her smile light up my screen._

_“Really?” she asked and smiled back, that brilliant smile that always makes me melt._

_“Yeah, really. Why?”_

_“I mean, we’d eventually have to look for a place together that has two bedrooms”, she said._

_I winced inside but tried not to show it on my face. I wish we didn’t need two bedrooms. “True, but that would be cheaper than each of us getting separate one bedroom apartments.”_

_“That’s true”, she said. She was silent for a moment and then said, “You’d really be okay living together? Getting a place together?”_

_“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”_

_“I don’t know”, she said. “I guess, because, well, you’re kind of a free spirit.”_

_Because I’ve slept around. I bet that’s why she said that. Of course, she doesn’t know that the only reason I do that is because I can’t have her, the one I want. “Well, maybe I’d calm down if I had something nice to come home to every night.” Too much again?_

_She laughed. “Awwww…you’re sweet. Look, I just don’t want you to feel tied down, that’s all. I mean, it’s a commitment. Getting a place together, signing a lease, buying furniture, you know.”_

_I wanted to tell her that I wouldn’t feel tied down at all. That I would love to get a place with her. I would love to go apartment hunting with her, sign a lease together, move in together, buy furniture and kitchenware together, decorate together. It’s a commitment I would love to make. I wanted to say all of that, but I couldn’t. What if she read through all of that and saw right through me? That I’m in love with her, my best friend. At best, it would be awkward. I could see her telling me she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about her, but that we could still live together as friends. At worst, she’d freaked out and I’d lose my best friend completely. I didn’t even want to think about that, but either way, I’d be reminded of heartbreak once again._

_“I know”, I said. “And I’d be totally fine with that.” I tried to strike the balance between being excited so she would actually want to follow through with living together, without going too overboard and having her read into it and see my true feelings._

_“Okay, well then I’ll plan on staying with you when I first arrive, and then we can take it from there”, she said. I imagined what that first morning would be like, waking up with her in my bed, having breakfast together, getting ready to go to practice together. Maybe having her here with me would be worth pain of not being together, just to see her beautiful face every day. We could do things together: drink our morning coffee, go shopping, walk around the park, go to dinner. It would be kind of like pretending we are a couple, even if we’re not. That would be nice, and then maybe, just maybe, it might even turn into us being a couple. Then a thought crossed my mind; what if she meets someone? What if she brings someone home? I’m not sure if I could bear that, even if we were in separate bedrooms. I ping-ponged back and forth between thoughts in my head while she continued talking._

_“Ash?” Her voice brought me back to the present._

_“What? Oh, yeah – we can see how it goes.”_

_“Ash…”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“What are you thinking about?” she asked, staring at me with her beautiful eyes. “I can tell you’re thinking. What are you thinking about?”_

_“Nothing”, I said. “Well, I guess I was just thinking about…you know, you move in and then you might end up hating living with me”, I covered up what I was really thinking about with that, and I laughed lightly._

_She smiled her brilliant smile. “Nooooo…I doubt it. I mean, I’d get to be with you every day. How could I not love that?” She smiled wider, and I smiled back. It felt good to hear her say that, but it hurt as well._


	10. Chapter 10

Ashlyn’s POV:

Ashley and I have been hanging out for a few weeks now. We’ve been keeping it pretty low-key, but I haven’t been out with anyone else, and I don’t think she has been either. I suppose we might as well be dating, even though I’ve never really been the dating type.

“So, what did you think?” Ashley asked as she looped her arm through mine. We were leaving a club near her place. A band called Blackheart was on tour from Chicago. They’re Ashley’s favorite band, and on our previous outing to the zoo I had promised her that I would take her.

“They’re good”, I said. They were kind of like a cross between Green Day and Smashing Pumpkins. Not really my kind of music, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.  
“They were Janna’s favorite band. We met at one of their shows, like six years ago. I told you that, right?”

I smiled at her and nodded. Ashley had previously been engaged to a woman named Janna. They had been planning a destination wedding in Baja, California. One evening, Janna had been driving home from visiting the wedding planner. She had stopped at a four-way stop sign and had started to cross the intersection. A driver coming cross-traffic had been on his cell phone. He had missed the stop completely and had T-boned Janna right on the driver side door. Janna had been killed on impact. That had been six months ago. Ashley had gone into reclusion for a few months, and then one of her friends suggested that they both try out for the roller derby team. Since then she had slowly but steadily made her way back into social interaction, both platonically and on the dating scene. I was the first person she had met since being back.

“Yes, you did tell me”, I said. Ashley had told me about Janna, and I had told her about Ali. Talking about our former relationships, or in my case, relationship woes, seemed to be working for us, at least for the moment. Maybe it was because neither of us was totally ready to commit to anything, but I think we both liked having someone in our lives who was more than just a friend. 

We stopped just outside of Ashley’s apartment.

“Thanks for taking me, Ashlyn”, she said as she turned to me. “That was a fun date.”

I smiled. “Was that a date?” I asked teasingly.

“I think so”, Ashley said. “Wouldn’t you consider that a date?”

“I guess. Maybe. I don’t know”, I said and then laughed. “I’ve just never really thought of myself as the dating type.”

“Well then”, Ashley said, raising her eyebrows suggestively. She looked at me for a moment and then looked down. She took my hands in hers and then, head still kind of tilted down, looked up at me with her brown eyes. “So, um…do you want to come up?”

I thought for a second and then exhaled. “I don’t know”, I said and smiled at her. “I mean, I do, but I kind of don’t.”

“That’s…pretty…cryptic”, she said, staring at me. “So you don’t hook up, and you don’t date. What have we been doing for the past few weeks?”

I laughed at the absurdity. She had me there. “Uh…hanging out?” I said.

She smiled. “Well, I like hanging out, but I would like to date you.”

“I hear you”, I said. “I mean, okay - I like you, I really do, but I feel like I’m still sorting through some stuff, and, well, I think that maybe I should work that stuff out first, before we jump in.” Ashley continued to look up at me, so I went on. “I mean, I guess in my past I was confused, and I used to just hook up with people, not even date them, and I don’t really want to do that anymore”, I said and smiled at her. “At least, that’s not how I want to start things out with you.” I don’t know exactly when I stopped just hooking up with people, but I had made an effort to drop that facet of my life when I left for Tyreso. Maybe it had to do with me wanting to make a clean break and start over, and when I left Ali behind here, 5 years ago, I left the habit of sleeping around as well. Seems like it’s carried over now that I’m back here in the states.

“Okay, I understand. I don’t want to start like that either”, Ashley said, then stepped a bit closer and touched my shirt collar. “But, I would like to date you.” She stood there, fingering my collar and then looked at me. “I mean, you’re open to dating, right?”

I looked at her for another moment and then smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Yeah, of course. I’m open to dating.” I shrugged. “It just has to be the right person, I guess.”

She smiled, then leaned in and kissed me back.

   
******** 

_  
6 years ago_

_Ali’s POV:_

_“Hey stud”, I said, as we stretched on the field. I had arrived in Chicago a few weeks ago. I’d been staying at Ashlyn’s place. On the surface, the idea was for me to stay with her until we saw how things were working, and then we could either get a place together or I could find a place of my own. What I really wanted was for things to work out between us, so I could just stay there, and we could finally be together. I mentioned two bedrooms when we had spoke about me moving in, but I don’t want two bedrooms. I want one bedroom, with her. We’re finally in the same town, same apartment, even in the same bed. But for the last two weeks I’ve barely seen her. She’s been out at night a lot. Apparently she’s still sleeping around. Sometimes she’ll head out right after practice. Sometimes she’ll come home for dinner, but then leave after that. We never talk about what she does or where she goes. We hung out the first two days I was in town. I planned on bringing things up the third day, but then she went out on a date and didn’t come back. Evidently my window has long gone._

_“Hey princess”, she says. She looked over and smiled at me, looking a little tired._

_“Long night?” I asked, trying to make conversation, even thought I didn’t really want to know any details._

_“Not too bad. Got to bed at a decent hour.”_

_Bed, but not to sleep, I’m sure. It hurts just thinking about it, and I am reminded yet again of the biggest mistake of my life. I was silent for a moment and then I came out with it. “Hey, do you think we can maybe go out sometime? Just you and me?”_

_“Sure”, she said, kind of flatly, and continued stretching. She stretched for another moment and then looked at me. My face must have gone to a pout. “Princess – is something wrong?”_

_“No”, I said. “I mean, nothing’s wrong.” I was silent for a moment and then said, “Well, I guess, I just thought that, well, maybe we could, um…hang out. I mean, I really haven’t seen you much since I got here, and well, I’m living at your place.” I wished I could call it ‘our’ place._

_She stopped stretching and looked at me. “Hey, Al. Of course. I mean, I’ve just been trying to give you a bit of space, just so you can settle in, and we see each other a lot still, like here”, she motioned to the field, “but yeah, we can go out.”_

_“I’d like that”, I said. “I mean, I don’t want to cramp your style, stud, but I don’t know…before I moved here I’d just thought that we’d be spending more time together. That’s all.”_

_She looked at me for a few seconds and then smiled. “I’d like that too”, she said. “Tell you what. Tomorrow night, I’m all yours. I’ll take you out for a nice dinner and then whatever else you want to do.”_

_“Okay”, I smiled back. We continued to smile at each other for a few more seconds, and in that moment I thought, I wish we could just leave right now. I want to go home with her and have her wrap me up in her arms, kiss me like there’s no tomorrow, and then toss me onto the bed, which I want to be our bed, just like she did in Paris._

_“Alright! Up and running!” The voice came, the whistle blew, and I was back to reality._

_********_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_“Hey princess, are you ready?” I called into the bedroom._

_“In like two minutes”, Ali responded._

_“Okay, I need to go to my car and get something. I’ll be right back.” I left the apartment and went down to the car to get the flower I had bought her earlier in the day. One yellow rose. I had wanted to get a red rose, but I was scared of what message that might send and how she might react, so I went with the safe choice. I came back up and knocked on the door._

_“Who is it?” she called out from the other side._

_“It’s me. I forgot my keys.”_

_She opened the door and saw me standing there with the rose in my hand. I smiled and offered it to her. “Ash? W-w-what are you doing?” she asked, confused._  
“Picking you up for our date, princess.” I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can be clever when it matters. And this matters. “For you.” I handed her the rose.  
“Oh my God”, she smiled, twirling the stem in her hand, then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, close to my lips. “You’re sweet. Thank you.” She took the rose inside and laid it on the counter and then grabbed her purse. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

_I looked at her and my mouth dropped slightly. She was wearing a cream colored dress, a wide brown belt and matching slignback heels. My heart skipped a beat, maybe two. “You look…wonderful”, I said, and for a moment I forgot that this wasn’t a real date. Somehow, maybe, this fake date could be the start for us, like maybe this night out would lead to actual real dates, and then to us being together, the start of a relationship with the woman I love._

_“So do you, stud”, she returned. I was wearing a blue and white checkered shirt, a dark blue tie, and a grey suit. I offered her my arm and lead her down to the car. I opened the passenger side door for her, and then got in, fired up the engine, and off we went._

_********_

_Ali’s POV:_

_“That was wonderful. Thank you”, I said. Dinner was amazing. Ashlyn had taken me to a German restaurant. The food was delicious, and the restaurant was dark and quiet. It made me feel like I was on a real date. A real date with the woman of my dreams. It’s been three years since I pushed her away in Germany, and I'm still in love with her as much as I ever have been._

_“I’m glad you enjoyed it”, Ashlyn said. We were walking arm in arm in Grant Park. The temperature had dropped a bit, so Ashlyn had taken off her jacket and draped it over my shoulders. As we neared Buckingham Fountain, we could see people in wedding garb wading in the pool surrounding the fountain. “Looks like a wedding party”, she said._

_“Nothing like a wedding fountain pool party”, I said. As I watched them play in the water I thought about what things would be like if I had just made the right choice. We’d probably be married and maybe even have a kid by now._

_“I was just thinking that myself”, she said and laughed. She smiled at me and then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek._

_It’d be nice, if right now, we could kiss for real. I imagined her stopping me, turning me to face her, pulling me close, and kissing me under the clear Chicago night time summer sky. “Hmmmm”, I sighed to myself as I thought about that, but it came out louder than I thought._

_“Huh?” she asked._

_“Oh nothing”, I said. “I was just thinking about…you know…weddings…”_

_“Do you ever think about getting married?” she asks me casually._

_Yes, to you, I thought. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I mean, maybe someday I’d like to, but, you know…” I let it trail off. I waited for a few seconds and then said, “You?”_

_“Yeah, I do”, she said. “I mean, I’d like to, someday maybe, but, well, you know.” She looked at me and smiled. “You have to find the right person first, I guess.”_

_“Yeah”, I said. I’ve found the right person. She’s right next to me. Out loud I said, “I mean, our schedule is pretty crazy. Being athletes and all.” She looked at me again. “It’d probably be hard to be married to an athlete.”_

_She was silent for a moment and then said, “We could marry each other.” She looked at me and smiled. My heart fluttered a bit._

_“Yeah, I guess we could”, I said, smiling back, trying to stay calm._

_“I mean, we would understand each others’ schedules, at least.”_

_“Yeah, that’s true”. But that wouldn’t be the only reason I’d marry her. In fact, I can’t think of a reason I wouldn’t marry her._

_We walked for a bit more and then took a seat on some steps next to the fountain. She sat on the step above me._

_“Are you warm enough?” she asked me. It had been a warm June day and evening, but the temperature had cooled off as it does at night near the lakefront.  
“It’s a little chilly, but I’ll be alright.” _

_“Here, princess”, she said. She switched the around jacket so it was covering me like a blanket, and then she pulled me back into her and rubbed my shoulders to warm them up. We watched the wedding party tromp through the water._

_“So, what kind of wedding would we have?” I asked her._

_She thought for a moment and then said, “How about one in Hawaii? We could finally take that trip we talked about so long ago.”_

_“Yeah”, I said, and started to daydream. “On the beach.”_

_“Sunny afternoon.”_

_“Our family and best friends.”_

_“And then a big luau for dinner.”_

_“Fruity drinks with umbrellas.”_

_“And a scrimmage on the beach.”_

_I laughed softly. “And then afterwards we could swim in the ocean at night”, I said. And then make love on the beach, under the stars, I though to myself. I looked up. The stars were out tonight. I felt Ashlyn kiss the back of my head, and I spotted the brightest star in the sky and made a wish._

_********_

_Ashlyn’s POV:_

_We got home and changed for bed. I turned off the lights and we climbed in._

_“Hey stud”, Ali said and turned to face me._

_I turned to face her. “Hey princess.”_

_“Thank you for taking me out tonight. I had a lovely time.”_

_“You’re welcome. Thanks for coming out with me.”_

_We laid in silence for a moment and then she said, “I enjoyed planning our wedding.”_

_I laughed softly, but inside it hurt. I knew the reality. I wasn’t going to be marrying her. I was about to say something when my phone buzzed. I looked at it._

_“Booty call, stud?” she asked, a light tone in her voice._

_It was. But I wasn’t going to answer it._

_“No, it’s nothing princess”, I said, softly. At least I wasn’t going to answer it tonight. Tonight was for her and me. But, as I laid there next to the woman of my dreams, reality raised its ugly head and I felt a sour feeling in my stomach. This was just a fantasy, and really, when it came right down to it, we’d never be together. So I’d probably answer that call tomorrow._


	11. Chapter 11

Ali’s POV:

It was opening day of the season, and we were playing The Dash. We were in the locker room. I looked over at Ashlyn. She was rifling through her bag, maybe looking for her headphones. We haven’t really spoken since we both arrived like twenty minutes ago. In fact, we haven’t spoke much lately in general. We talk more on the field than off of it. I missed talking with her. I hated how we ended things that horrible day in this very room, and I wanted her back in my life. The more she’s in my life the more complete I feel. I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey”, I said.

“Hey”, she said back.

“Um, how have you been? You know, like, outside of this”, meaning soccer. I motioned with my hand to the team around us.

“Okay. You?” she asked.

I smiled slightly and half-nodded/half-shrugged.

“How...um...how are things with Kate?” she continued.

Kate and I had kind of gotten back to a somewhat seeing-each-other relationship, but it wasn’t quite the same. There was a wall up with her now, and we were definitely more disconnected than we were before. I guess I can’t blame her, given what I had done. “Okay, I guess. I’m not sure. I mean, we’re together, in some way, I think…”, I said, trailing off. I looked at Ashlyn, and she smiled an understanding smile. I paused for a moment and then said, “How’s Ashley?”

I winced inside as I asked. Somehow, in the back of my mind, even still, I’d always thought that, if Ashlyn ever decided to settle down, it was going to be with me. Even after everything that had gone down over the last ten years, I had still thought that. I had pictured it so many times in my mind – her asking me out, us walking around after dinner, her stopping us, turning me towards her, looking into my eyes, pulling me close, and kissing me. She’d tell me that she’s been wanting to do that for so long, that she’s done sleeping around and finally realized what she wanted, which was to be with me. Then I would start crying and tell her that I was sorry for the huge mistake I made all those years ago, and that I only wanted for her to give me another chance, and that I’d never push her away ever again. Then she would take me home to our apartment that we shared, the one that we had searched for together, fell in love with together, moved into together and decorated together, and we would make love on the bed that we had been sleeping in together but never slept in together, and then I would fall asleep nestled in her arms, and then wake up the next morning, still being held by her. I’d played that movie over and over in my head, so many times. Then I saw Ashley for the first time about a month ago, at a home game against Portland. She and Ashlyn were canoodling up against Ashlyn’s car in the team parking lot. I was parked a few cars over. At first I thought it was just another one of Ashlyn’s hookups, but then I saw her hanging out on the fringes at some of our practices. Then I saw her again when she picked Ashlyn up from a press conference about a week ago. After we had finished talking with the media, Ashlyn had walked over to her and kissed her. She had taken Ashlyn’s hand and had lead her out of the building, and it was then that reality had struck. I’d seen Ashley around like half a dozen times, and no other woman besides her. I’d never known Ashlyn to have anyone around exclusively that long. Ashlyn Harris might settling down, and I’m not the one settling down with her. Thinking that just burned me inside, but of course it was never going to happen for me and her. If she had wanted to settle down with me, that probably would have happened by now.

“She’s good”, Ashlyn said. We’ve never spoken to each other much about our personal lives. Our answers on that topic have always been pretty short, and these days our conversations in general are pretty short. Not rude, and not curt. Just politely short. We spoke a bit more at surface level, and then Coach Parsons called us to attention and we took our seats. We did not sit next to each other. We always used to sit next to each other. I missed that.

 

******** 

 

Ashlyn's POV:

We were in the locker room, about to take the field against the Dash. The team had started to file out. Ali and I were the last two in the locker room.

“Hey”, I said.

“Hey”, she said back, adjusting her ponytail.

“You ready?” I looked at her and smiled at her a bit.

She looked at me and smiled back a bit. “Yeah, you?”

“Yeah”, I said. Then I took a step closer to her. “Listen, Ali - I know we haven’t talked much lately, but I want you to know that…I’m with you.” I said and smiled.

She looked at me for a moment and then smiled back and said, “And I’m with you.”

“I got your back”, I said.

“And I got yours.”

I smiled at her, and then I exhaled. “Alright, let’s do this”, I said. I looked at her for a moment, and then I pulled her in for a hug. We embraced each other and held each other tight for a few seconds, and then we pulled back and smiled again at each other.

“Let’s get ‘em”, she said and smiled. I smiled back, then put my hand on her back to usher her out of the locker room, and we joined the rest of the team.

 

******** 

 

Ali’s POV:

We were fifteen minutes into the game. The score was 0-0, but the Dash were taking it to us. For the most part we had been playing in our half of the field. I was physically on the field but I just couldn’t focus like I should have been able to. In the last month I had lost my girlfriend and my best friend. I just wanted to go home, lay in my bed and cry.

 

******** 

 

Ashlyn’s POV:

I had already been shot on six times. The four that had been on goal weren’t hard shots to stop, and two had sailed wide, but the fact that I was getting shelled so early on in the game was shaking my confidence.

I glanced at Ali, and I had to say, she was looking a bit lackluster. Normally she’s on point, the rock of this defense, but she just seemed a bit sluggish today. I wanted to call time, to talk with her real quick, maybe even give her a hug, do anything I could to help her get into the game, but that’s not how it works. We were off and running, and would continue to be until the end of the first half.

The Dash were coming again. Jessica McDonald chased the ball down near midfield and tried to slot it through to Kealia Ohai. Kealia trapped it but couldn’t quite turn to take a shot. She passed the ball to Melissa Henderson, who dropped back and then put the ball in the air right in front of the goal around the 18 yard line. And that’s when it happened.

Jessica, who had charged forward from midfield, went up to get a head on the ball. So did Ali, but Jessica was up first and had the advantage. She went hard for the ball, but instead of heading the ball she headbutted Ali. She was coming down on it and nailed Ali right in the side of the head, near the temple. Ali fell like a stone, with Jessica falling right on top of her. Everyone on our bench immediately got up. The crowd went silent. The world went into slow motion. I stood there for a second, stunned, and then called time. The whistle blew. Ali wasn’t moving. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but I knew it wasn’t good. I’ve taken some hard knocks to the head before. As a goalkeeper that’s just part of the game. But I’ve never taken anything like the blow I just saw Ali take. Jessica had come right down into her full force. A blow that was supposed to send the ball to the back of the net instead landed right on Ali’s temple and sent her sprawling to the ground. I was immediately worried. I was worried, and I was angry. It wasn’t Jessica’s fault. I’ve known her since our days together at North Carolina, and we’ve always gotten along pretty well. But someone had hurt Ali. It wasn’t intentional, and it could have happened to anyone, but I got heated up. Something came over me. I ran out of the box and up to Jessica. I stood between her and where Ali was laying.

“What the fuck, McDonald?!”

“Harris, chill”, she said, putting her hands up.

“Don’t fuckin’ tell me to chill”, I said. I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth.

“Dude, it was an accident”, McDonald said. She started to walk towards Ali. “I’ll go check on h-“

“Back the fuck up”, I said, pointing at her, and I gave her a look like I was going to pounce. I didn’t care if she was going to check on Ali. For a split second all I could think of was pounding the daylights out of her. Jessica’s eyes widened and she looked at me, stunned, confused and frightened. She backed off, and then I turned around and looked at Ali. She was lying face down, not moving. I knelt down beside her and lightly touched her shoulder.

“Ali”, I said. No response. “Princess”, I tried again. Again, no response. “Baby”, I tried for a third time. Still nothing.

“Harris”, I heard a voice say. I looked up and saw Rodney, our head trainer, and two other members of our staff. Rodney put his hand on my shoulder. “Harris, we gotta get in here”, he said, trying to usher me aside, but I wouldn’t budge. I needed to be right by Ali's side.

“Harris, we need to turn her over.” It was Kim, the assistant trainer. I still wouldn’t move. I needed to be right here for my princess. “Harris – please”, Kim said. “We need to turn her over.” She lightly grabbed my arm and I turned around to face her. “Please”, she said again. I paused for a moment, and then relinquished, and she ushered me up to a standing position. She guided me back three feet and then knelt down beside Ali. She and Rodney counted to three and then gently turned Ali over. Ali laid motionless, her mouth slightly open. My heart lurched, and I knelt down next to her again.

“Princess”, I said, touching her arm lightly. “It’s me. I’m here, baby”, I said. Still no movement. “Baby, I’m with you”, I said again, as the trainers tended to her. By now players from both teams were crowding around, along with some of the press. Someone came up behind me and gently put her hands on my arms. I whirled around and saw Amanda DaCosta. She was trying to pull me away. It was probably the right thing to do, so the trainers could work unencumbered, but I wasn’t having any of it. I didn’t want to leave my princess’ side.

“Harris, let the trainers do their job”, she said gently.

“Get the fuck off me”, I growled, wrenching my arms out of her grasp. I remained kneeling next to Ali. “Baby, I’m here”, I said again, as the trainers continued to tend to her.

We stayed like that for 15 minutes. I continued to talk to her. She remained motionless. The trainers couldn’t get her to respond. They finally picked her up, put her on a stretcher, and wheeled her off of the field and into an ambulance. I stayed by her the whole time until I had reached the sidelines. Tears were in my eyes. The ref gave us two minutes to collect ourselves and then restarted the game.

I was a wreck the rest of the game. We lost 2-1, but I didn’t care. I was worried to death about losing the woman I love, not some soccer game.

   
********   
__

_7 Years ago_

_Ali’s POV_

_I was in Sao Paolo, Brazil with the national team. We were getting ready for the quarterfinals of the Intercontinental Cup and were about to leave the locker room to take the field. The team had started to file out. Ashlyn and I faced each other and went into our own little quick pre-game ritual that we’d developed. We held hands and touched our foreheads together, then closed our eyes._

_“Ready?” I asked._

_“Ready”, she said back. “Ready?” she asked back._

_“Ready", I said back. "I’m with you”, I said._

_“I’m with you", she said back. "I’ve got your back”, she said._

_“I’ve got your back”, I said back. I could feel her breath on my lips, so close and right there. We stayed touching foreheads for a few more seconds, and then we opened our eyes and smiled at each other._

_“Let’s get ‘em”, I said, and then we embraced each other. Even though my heart aches for her, and it hurts to feel her touch as much as I love it, I won't give up our little pre-game ritual. I love the feeling of her holding me tight. In that moment, I feel safe and secure, like she’ll take care of me and be there for me, not only from behind me in the goal, but in everything else in my life. Sometimes I think about taking one of these moments to open up and tell her how I really feel, but it’s not the place nor the time. This is game time. We held each other tight for a few seconds, and then we pulled back and smiled again at each other._

_“Let’s do this”, she said. She punched her hands together, squared her shoulders and walked out of the locker room. I smiled and followed her out to join the rest of our team._


	12. Chapter 12

Ashlyn’s POV:

As soon as the post-game team meeting was over I grabbed my bag and hauled ass to the hospital, still in my uniform. I couldn't even tell you what Coach Parsons had said in that meeting. All I could think about was seeing my princess. I approached the front desk and was about to ask where Ali was, when I heard a voice call my name.

“Ashlyn Harris?” I turned towards the voice and saw a doctor in his 40s wearing blue scrubs. “I’m Dr. Stroger”, he said.

“Where’s Ali?” I asked hurriedly.

“We have her in the operating room right now.”

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“She took a very hard blow to the head. She hasn’t regained consciousness yet”, Dr. Stroger said.

I started to panic. “I want to see her”, I said.

“Miss Harris, we have her in the operating room”, he repeated. “We will let you know when she’s ready to receive visitors.”

“No, I want to see her now”, I said, a little more forcefully.

“Miss Harris, please. If you’d like, you can have a seat right over there, and we’ll let you know when you can see her.”

I sighed, resigned, and dropped my shoulders. “Fine, I’ll sit over there”, I said. I started walking over to where the doctor pointed.

“It might be a while, Miss Harris.”

I turned around to face him. “I’m not going anywhere”, I said, and then looked at him hard. “You’d better bring her back to me, doctor.”

 

******** 

 

After what seemed like forever Dr. Stroger showed me into Ali’s room.

“How is she, doctor?”

“She’s resting now.”

I took a deep breath. “So, what happened?”

“Ali sustained what equates to a blunt force trauma injury to the head. There was some internal bleeding around the brain. Fortunately we were able to stem it, and we expect her to make a full recovery, but she needs to rest.”

I exhaled what was probably the biggest sigh of relief I’ve ever exhaled, and tears started to form in my eyes. “Thank you, doctor.”

“We have her sedated right now, but you are welcome to go in and sit by her. We just ask that you not disturb her, though.” Dr. Stroger nodded at me and then closed the door. I looked over at Ali. She was lying motionless in the hospital bed. I walked over to her and leaned over.

“Al, can you hear me?” I whispered. No response. “Hey princess, I’m here.” No response again. “I’m with you.” Still no response, but I kept talking softly anyway. I pulled up a chair next to her and sat down. “When I saw you go down…my heart stopped. I’ve never seen anyone take a blow like that on the field. I-I-I…I was so scared. And when I saw you lying there, motionless, I…I thought for a moment…that maybe…I might lose you.” Ali remained motionless. Tears started forming again in my eyes as I thought about losing her. I wiped them away and kept talking. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry for everything.” I paused, wiped another tear from my eye and kept talking. “I know I’m your friend, and I used to be your best friend. Maybe I still am your best friend, I don’t know. But I want more. I want us to be together." I paused and then said, "I love you, Ali Krieger.” I paused again and then continued. “I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you that before, but I was afraid. I was afraid that you’d freak out, and that you wouldn’t want to ever talk to me again, and then I wouldn’t have you in my life at all. I couldn’t bear to have that happen, so I settled for whatever I could get from you. But that’s not what I want. I want all of you. I want to be with you. I love you and I don’t want to live my life without us being together.”

I was balling now. The pain of seeing her like this combined with the regret of not saying everything I should have said sooner had tears pouring down my face. I stood up, leaned over her, and kissed her forehead. A tear dripped onto her cheek, and I wiped it away with my finger, even though the doctor had told me not to disturb her. I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat back down in my chair. I inhaled a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. I felt hollowed out. I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” I muttered. I raised my head, and then realized what had just happened. Ali had just whispered something. I got up out of my chair and leaned over her.

“Princess?” I said.

“I’m sorry”, she whispered. She laid still and her eyes were closed. Her mouth barely moved and she spoke in a whisper, but she was talking.

“Baby, it’s Ashlyn”, I said. “Are you awake?”

“I’m sorry”, Ali said for a third time.

I understood her this time. “Baby, it’s okay”, I said. “It was just a game”, I said, for some reason thinking she was talking about the game we had just played.

“No”, she whispered. “I’m sorry for pushing you away.”

I stood there, stunned. What did I just hear? “Baby-wait, what?” I thought I heard her say, “I’m sorry for pushing you away”, but I didn’t quite make it out.

“I love you”, she whispered.

“W-w-what?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Baby…what did you just say?”

But Ali had slipped back into unconsciousness. I stood there, leaning over her, trying to process if I had really heard what I thought I had just heard. More tears came, and I leaned down to kiss her again, this time on the lips


	13. Chapter 13

Ali’s POV:

My eyes fluttered halfway open. I felt groggy. I tried to move, but I couldn’t. It felt like I had been hit by a truck. I opened my eyes a bit more. For a second I couldn’t figure out where I was, and then the room slowly came into focus. White walls. Fluorescent lights above me. Some kind of medical-looking equipment to the left. A man in a white smock right above me on one side of my bed. And on the other side of the bed was Ashlyn. She was wearing her goalkeeper uniform.

“Hi”, she said softly.

“Hi”, I croaked out.

“Hi Ali, I’m Dr. Stroger”, the man in the white smock said. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay”, I croaked out again. I was half-sitting and half/laying down. I tried to sit up more.

“Relax”, he said. “Try not to move, at least right now.”

“What happened?” I said, my voice coming back a bit. “Where am I?”

“You’re at Holy Cross Hospital”, Dr. Stroger said. “You sustained a head injury during last night's game. Blunt force trauma.” I sat there for a minute and thought. It was starting to come back. The cross, the header, Jessica McDonald. “We operated on you last night”, Dr. Stroger continued. “There was some internal bleeding around the brain, but we managed to stem it. You should make a full recovery”, he said and smiled.

Wow, I thought. Blunt force trauma. Bleeding around the brain. This could have been serious. I could have been permanently injured. Maybe I could have even died. I sat there for a moment and thought about that, and then asked, “What time is it?”

“Almost noon”, Dr. Stroger said. “We’ve had you under sedation since you came out of the operation.”

I was silent for another moment and then turned to Ashlyn. “Hey”, I said.

“Hey”, she said and smiled at me.

“Thanks for being here.”

Ashlyn gave me a look that said, ‘Are you kidding?’ “Of course”, she said.

“When did you get here?”

“I came right after the game”, Ashlyn said.

Dr. Stroger looked at me. “Ashlyn has been here the whole night. She hasn’t left your side.”

I looked at him and then at Ashlyn. She’s been here the whole time? Wow. Thoughts started swirling in my head. Too many thoughts to comprehend right now. “Did we win?” were the only words I could get out.

“Doesn’t matter”, she said, and smiled slightly again.

I looked at her and smiled slightly back. I’m so glad she’s here. If I could see one person right now, it would be her. And here she is. With me. Hasn’t left my side since I got here. And then another thought hit me: shouldn’t it be Kate, my girlfriend, that I wished was here? Emotionally, that should be correct, right? I sat there, silent for another moment, staring at Ashlyn as she stared back at me, and then I heard the door to my room open.

“She’s in here”, I heard a voice say. I looked up and saw Kate. She thanked whoever had ushered her into my room and then turned to me.

“Hey Sweetie, how are you fee-“ she said, then stopped mid-sentence when she saw Ashlyn standing right next to my bed.


	14. Chapter 14

Ashlyn’s POV:

I looked up and saw a woman with blondish hair staring at me. She looked to be about my age and was wearing a stylish daytime dress. I stared at her and my mouth dropped a bit. Kate.

“Hi”, Ali said. By the look on her face, this was an unexpected visit. Ali’s face registered shock for a moment, and then she said, “Uh, Kate, this is Ashlyn.” The Ali looked at me. “Ashlyn, this is Kate.”

“Uh, nice to meet you”, I said.

“Wow”, Kate said, her face incredulous. She looked at me and then at Ali. “Really?”

“Look, Kate-“ Ali began, but Kate cut her off.

“You know, when I came to visit my girlfriend in the hospital”, Kate began, addressing the room in general, “which, by the way, I found out that she was even in the hospital by watching the news…I didn’t expect to walk in to see the woman that my girlfriend cheated on me with standing right next to her.”

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened between me and Ali-“ I began.

“No it’s my fault", Ali said. "Kate-“

“Wow, really Ali?”

“Kate, please-“

Kate looked right at Ali. “This is fucking unbelievable! I don’t even know what to say here!”

“Hey!” I shouted at Kate. She turned and glared at me. I knew she was pissed, and she had every right to be. But something in me snapped. “I said I was sorry, and I am. But the woman I love was just in an accident, and she doesn’t need any shit right now!” Yup, I just said it. I told Kate that I was in love with her girlfriend. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but after Ali’s accident, something changed in me, and I was no longer holding in things I would have held in before.

“Shit!?” Kate stepped up to me. “You’re the reason this shit is happening right now!”  
Dr. Stroger’s head was ping-ponging between Kate and I like he was watching a tennis match. “Ladies, please, if we could just calm dow-“

“Shut up!” Kate snapped at him. At that moment, the door opened, and a nurse poked his head in. Apparently he had heard the shouting.

“Call security”, Dr. Stroger said.

“No”, I said. I put my hands up. “There’s no need. I’ll leave”, I said. Dr. Stroger looked at the nurse and nodded his head, and the nurse nodded back and closed the door. I took a deep breath and looked around the room. “Alright, I’m going to leave now.”

“You do that”, Kate said, glowering.

“I am. I’m leaving”, I said, but then I took a step closer to Kate and looked her in the eye. “But if I hear that you’ve treated Ali like anything less than a princess after I’m gone…” I let it hang, and I saw a change come into Kate’s eyes. I must have given her the look that I gave Jessica after the accident. Kate was obviously upset, and rightfully so. I knew that logically, but emotionally that wasn’t going to fly with me. The thought of anyone treating my princess in any way other than with the utmost love and care right now made me hot under the collar. Kate looked at me for a second and then backed off. I looked at her hard for another moment and then turned to Ali. “I’ll see you soon, princess”, I said. Then I headed for the door. I opened the door and walked out into the hallway. I needed to get out of here. I started bee-lining for the main entrance. I was walking, lost on thought, and I was just past the main reception and was heading for the front doors, when I heard my name.

“Ashlyn?”

I looked up. “Ashley?” I said. You gotta be kidding me. As if my timing could get any worse. “W-w-what are you doing here?”

“Where have you been?” she asked. “ I’ve been calling you all night. You were supposed to come over after your game, remember?”

We were right in the doorway, so I pulled her into a corner of the reception area. “Uh, yeah, sorry. I’ve been here, with Ali. She was injured in our game yesterday.”

“And you couldn’t call me to tell me you’d be running late, or not coming over?” She looked at me for an answer and then said, “Yes, I know you were here. I saw the accident on the news. That’s how I tracked you down. They said that Ali Krieger had suffered a head injury and had been taken to Holy Cross. You had been by her side the entire time she was down.” She looked at me and it dawned on me that I was still in my keeper’s uniform. “Wait – did you stay overnight?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Ash – you need to call me back when I call you.”

She was right. I should have called her back, if nothing more than out of courtesy. But something in her tone, plus the whole thing I had just been through with Kate, plus the whole situation in general had me on edge, and I exploded. “Jesus Christ, Ashley! Lay off! My girlfr-“. I stopped before I said what I was going to say, which was, “My girlfriend was injured and I needed to be by her side.”

She stared at me for a moment and then said, “What did you just say?”

“I was going to say, ‘My friend was injured, and I wanted to make sure she was alright’.”

“No, that’s not what you said. You were going to say, ‘my girlfriend’, weren’t you?”

“Ashley, she’s my girl-friend, my best friend, and my teammate.”

Ashley stared at me for a moment and then said, “Are you in love with her?” I was silent, so she said, “Ashlyn – I asked you a question.”

I remained silent. Ashley knows that I’ve had feelings for Ali, but I never told her exactly the extent of those feelings, how deep they ran, or how much they still exist today. I didn’t want to get into this right now, so I remained silent.

“Like I said, I saw the injury on T.V. It was all over the 10 o’clock news”, Ashley said. She paused for a moment and then said, “I heard it”.

“You heard what, Ashley?”

“There was sound”, she said. Then I remembered that there had been cameras on the field. Apparently they had caught it all. “I heard it all.” She paused and then said, “I heard you call her baby. Baby and princess. Multiple times.”

“Jesus Christ, Ashy, what is wrong with me caring about my friend?”

“Because it’s not just a friend, Ashlyn! You’re in love with her!” Ashley exclaimed.

“You’re being ridiculous”, I said and looked away. For some reason, even right now, I just couldn’t admit to Ashley the whole truth.

Ashley stayed silent for a moment, then looked at me. “Ashlyn, look at me.” I turned towards her. She came closer and took my hands. “Ashlyn, look. You can say whatever you want, but let me tell you something. I know love when I see it, because I had it.”

This was unbelievable. The woman I love is laid up in a hospital bed, and I run into the woman that I’m dating. You can’t make this shit up. I put up my hands in a pacifying gesture. “Ashley, look-“

“No, I’m talking, Ashlyn. You pulled a no-show on me last night, so you can just listen for a minute.” I acquiesced, and she continued. “Like I was saying, I know what love is. Now, I don’t know if we”, she pointed between me and her “would have ever had it, even though I would have liked to have tried, but after what I saw last night, and what I’m seeing now, I know that you and Ali do.”

I kept staring at her, not sure what to say, so she kept on.

“Ashlyn, I was with someone for almost six years. I know what love looks like. I know what it looks like, what it sounds like, and what it feels like. Now, I can’t tell you what you’re feeling, but I can tell you how you look and how you sound. When I saw you on TV last night, and seeing you now, you look like I probably did when I saw Janna in the hospital after her wreck.”

I was silent, then I said, “I’m sorry, Ashley.” I really was. Underneath it all, she was right. I was still in love with Ali, just as much as I had been all those years ago, and even if there wasn’t a future for us, there wasn’t going to be one with Ashley, either. That just wouldn’t be fair to her, especially after what she went through with Janna. “I’m sorry, and I guess I should have maybe been more honest with you, and I guess maybe myself, about how I felt, and apparently still feel about Ali”, I admitted.

“Ashlyn, like I said, I was with someone for almost six years. I’ve known you for like six weeks.” She signed and then said, “I’m bummed, Ashlyn, but us not seeing each other anymore isn’t going to shatter my world. I’d rather find out that it’s not meant to be now than later.”

I stood there and looked at her. She was sweet. Sweet, and thoughtful, and positive, and considerate, and smart. And beautiful. But she just wasn’t the right one for me. Maybe in another world, things could have been different. But we’re in this world, and the right one for me is lying in a hospital bed down the hall, being visited by her girlfriend. And not being with the right one is no longer going to work for me. No longer am I going to get under someone else to help me get over not being with her. I’m just going to have to find another way to cope. I looked at Ashley and smiled, a combination of apology and appreciation. Then I moved in a bit closer and gave her a hug. We stayed like that for a minute and then moved apart.

“Thank you”, I said. She didn’t say anything, but she smiled slightly at me, so I continued. “I’d like to be friends.” It was true. I hope it didn’t come off as a pity prize, because I meant it.

She looked at me for a moment and then said, “Me too. I mean, I may need a bit of time away from you, but…yeah, I’d like that.”

“I understand.” I smiled at her. “Thanks for being…well…awesome. And I’m sorry again.”

She smiled slightly at me, and then we walked out together. I walked her to her car. We hugged again, and I opened the driver’s side door for her. She got in and I closed it for her, then watched as she drove away.


	15. Chapter 15

Ali’s POV:

As soon as Ashlyn walked out Kate turned towards me. I didn’t know what to say, so I just sat there. This was unbelievable. I’m laid up in the hospital. My girlfriend walked in on the woman I love visiting me in the hospital, and then the shit hit the fan. I thought this was the kind of shit that only happened in Hollywood.

“Uh, I think we should hold off on any more visitation for today”, Dr. Stroger said.

“We need to talk”, Kate said to him.

Dr. Stroger looked at Kate and then at me.

“I’ll be fine”, I said and nodded a bit.

Dr Stroger stared at me for a moment and then said, “Very well, but keep it calm”, he said to both Kate and me. We both nodded, and Dr. Stroger left the room.

“Kate – I am so sorry”, I said.

Kate looked at me for a moment, then exhaled a deep breath. “Look, Ali. I really don’t know what to say right now. I know you are not a hundred percent, and you probably don’t want to hear anything but “Sweetie, I hope you’re feeling okay, but, well, after walking in on what I just walked on…well, I guess I just need to know one thing.” She paused for a moment and then said, “Are you in love with her?”

“I-I-I” I started stammering out, but Kate interrupted me.

“Let me put it another way, Ali. I want to support you, and I want to be the one supporting you, but…well…I guess this is the question I have for you: do you want me to be the one supporting you?”

“Of course”, I said.

“No – that’s not what I’m asking you. The question is, do you want me to be the one supporting you the most? I mean, if you could have one person here to see you, would it be me?”

“I-I-I don’t understand…”

“Ali, I think you do. I think you understand the question.” She paused and then said, “I need to know. I need to know the answer, so I can make a decision. Tell me the truth, even if you don’t think I want to hear it.”

Part of me wanted to tell her that I wanted her to be the one. She’s a good person, and none of this is her fault. But something changed in me. Thinking about the accident made me realize that I could have been lost right then and there, and then seeing Ashlyn spring up to defend me cemented what I’ve always wanted all along. Life is too short to not live it true. I hated to disappoint Kate, but I could no longer live a lie, or lie to Ashlyn, or to this woman standing before me. I could no longer be unfair to anyone.

“Yes”, I whispered.

“Yes, what?” Kate asked.

“Yes. I’m still in love with her”, I said, and then closed my eyes.

Kate stood there and stared at me, silent. I saw a tear form in her eye. She wiped it away with her finger and then said, “I understand. I can’t help the way you feel, much as I wish I could. But, there’s no future with us.” She paused for a moment and then said, “We’re done, Ali.”

I stared down. I couldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m sorry”, I squeaked out. I really was. Not that I was in love with Ashlyn, but that I had cheated on Kate, and then she had walked in to see Ashlyn with me.

Kate came over to me. I was still looking down. She leaned down and kiss me on the forehead. “Goodbye, Ali.” I looked up as she started walking towards the door, and then she turned around. She smiled faintly and said, “I hope you feel better soon.” I smiled slightly in appreciation, and we looked at each other for another moment. Then she turned around and walked out of the room, and I closed my eyes and exhaled a deep breath.


	16. Chapter 16

Ashlyn’s POV:

“Hey you, how are you feeling?” I asked her.

It’s been a week since Ali had been discharged from the hospital. After I had seen Ashley off, I had gotten in my car and driven around a bit. I just needed some time to think. I had come back to the hospital that night to check on Ali. She had been sleeping when I had arrived, but she had woken up when I had entered the room. We had spoken for a bit about what had happened that day, but she had been exhausted, so we kept it short. She had been discharged the next day. I picked her up and took her home. The first night back in her apartment I had helped her get situated, then I had tucked her in and watched her fall asleep. Then I had gone back to my apartment for some much needed rest. Since then I’ve had practice every day. Ali has been resting in her apartment, but I have been coming by after practice to be with her. We haven’t talked much about us, since I’ve been wanting her to take it easy, but I'm pretty sure that talk is coming. It’s kind of weird – here we are, like we have been so many times, in one of our apartments, just hanging out on the couch, but now it’s different. I’m sure we both feel it, and neither one of us quite knows what to say or do.

“I’m okay”, she said, as I handed her a glass of juice. She’s actually been able to function around the apartment by herself, but I like to wait on her sometimes. She’s my princess. “How was practice?” she asked.

“Good”, I said, as I sat down beside her. “We miss you out there with us.”

She smiled, then looked down and then looked back up. “Have you spoken with Ashley?” she asked me.

“No. Not since I saw her at the hospital.” I had told Ali about what had happened with me and Ashley. She had told me about what had happened with her and Kate. Shitty as things had gone, we both had to laugh a bit about the way things had spiraled that day. Just like Hollywood. “Have you spoken with Kate?” I asked. Ali shook her head. I smiled slightly at her and then said, “Hey, I’m sorr-“ I began, but she put her hand on my arm.

“Hey – it’s over”, she said.

“I know, but still, you guys-“

“Hey – it doesn’t matter”, she said, then gave my arm a gentle squeeze. “What matters is what’s right here, right now. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Then she said, “Hey…when we were in the hospital…did you tell me you loved me?”

I looked at her for a moment and then said, “Al, are you sure you want to get into this right now? I mean, I want to talk about…stuff, but I’ve been waiting for you to get better.”

She set her glass of juice down on the coffee table and moved closer to me, and then said, “I want to talk about it.”

I stared at her for a moment and then nodded. “I did. I did say that. You remember?”

She nodded her head and then said, “I think so.”

I smiled slightly and then asked, “Do you remember what you told me? After I said what I said?”

She thought for a moment and then shook her head.

“You said you loved me back”, I said and looked into her deep brown eyes.

“I did?” she asked, and I nodded. She smiled at me and then moved closer. She touched her forehead to mine. We stayed like that for a moment, and then she shifted her position on the couch and straddled me. “Babe”, she said, as she moved her lips closer to me, and my hands instinctively went to her hips, “Let’s do it.”  
“Let’s do what, princess?”

“Let’s do it. Let’s make love, let’s move in together, let’s be a couple, let’s get married, let’s…” she trailed off.

“Whoa, baby – slow down”, I said.

She pulled back slightly. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing’s wrong.” She just looked at me, so I said, “Baby - we should take things slow.”

“Babe – it’s been ten years since we started having feelings for each other. We should be married with kids by now.”

“And maybe we would have been if we had done things right, if we had talked all those years ago, but we didn’t”, I said. “Now we have the opportunity to make things right, so let’s actually do things right this time.”

She looked down. “I know we didn’t do it right before, and that was my faul-“

“Shhh shhh shhh”, I said, cutting her off, putting my finger to her lips. I didn’t want to hear anything more about faults. All that matters is that we are going to give things a shot, together.

“I know what I want”, she said. “I want you. I want us to get married, to move in together, to have a life together.”

“I know what I want too, and that’s you.” I said. “But after everything we’ve been through, and all this time, we owe it to each other to do things right. And if that means not rushing, then that’s what we should do.” I wanted this. I wanted everything with her, but I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure that this lasted forever, and that I never again had to feel that feeling that I did in Frankfurt all those years ago.

She smiled at me, and then she leaned in and said, “I love you. I love you, and I want everything with you.”

“I want everything with you, too. But we have the rest of our lives together.”

"Unless one of us gets taken out by an errant header", she said, and smiled slightly, partly jesting but partly serious. I thought about that for a moment. True, I didn't want to rush, but I also didn't want to miss any opportunity should, God forbid, something happen.

“I want everything with you”, she said again. Then she pouted, and my heart melted. “I want to shout at the top of the Capital that we’re together. I want everyone to know that I’m with you”, she said and smiled. 

“And I’m with you. But, like you said, this has been ten years in the making. Let’s do us first”, I said. “Everyone else can wait.” I smiled at her, and touched my finger to her nose, and she smiled back. Then I said, “Plus, we start training with the national team for the World Cup soon. We need to focus. You know, take care of business.”

“I wanna take care of business right now”, she said and smiled mischievously.

I laughed lightly. “Hmmmm…I’m not sure”, I said. “In your weakened condition, you may not be able to handle me.” I laughed.

She scrunched her face up for a moment and then said, “You jerk”, and went to tickle me. She got me for a few seconds, and then I picked her up and laid her on the couch on her back, me on top of her.

“Save your strength, princess”, I said. “You’re gonna need it if you want to play in the World Cup.”

“She looked at me, serious all of a sudden, and said, “I hope I’m well enough to play.”

“You will be”, I assured her. “You’ll be on that field, princess.” I wanted to have her so badly, but I knew she needed her strength. It sounded silly, but I was actually worried about wearing her out if we made love. It's been a long time, and I knew it would be passionate. I figured that any strength she could save now would get her back on the field that much quicker, and I wanted her back on the field. I didn’t want to play in the World Cup without my princess.

Ali looked at me and then said, “Well, I’ve waited this long, I guess I can wait a bit more.” Then she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes and said, “But honestly, babe – I don’t want to wait.”

I looked at her and said, “Don’t worry baby - I’m not going anywhere.” I looked at her for a moment and then said, “but you need to rest. We’ve got the biggest tournament in the world coming up, and you need to be on that field with us. It’s what we’ve been working towards our whole lives.”

She smiled at me and then said, “No - it's us that we've been working towards our whole lives.”

I smiled back, and with that, I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her. It was our first kiss in nine years, and I reveled in the feeling. This was happening. This was really happening. We stayed like that for a few minutes, and then we broke the kiss. She stroked my hair and smiled at me.

"That felt good", she said, gazing into my eyes.

"Yes it did", I agreed.

“So, when are you moving in?” she teased.

I looked at my suitcase, sitting open in her living room, my closed strewn about. Since she had arrived back to her apartment after the accident we haven’t been too concerned with housekeeping. I thought about the fact that I hadn’t been home in like five days, and said, “Baby - I think I already live here.”


	17. Chapter 17

Ali’s POV:

We were in Vancouver. It’s been six weeks since I got out of the hospital. I was cleared to play and was back in the starting eleven. It was the final day of the World Cup. We had downed Colombia, China and Germany. Only Japan stood in our way. We were in the locker room, getting ready to take the field. The team had started to file out. Ashlyn and I were the last ones in the locker room. I smiled as I watched her adjust her ponytail and then put on her gloves.

“Hi”, she said as she turned to faced me.

“Hi”, I breathed back. We stared at each other for a moment, and then she took my hands in hers. She pulled me close to her, and we touched our foreheads together and then closed our eyes.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Ready”, she said back. “Ready?” she asked back.

“Ready”, I said back. “I’m with you”, I said.

“I’m with you”, she said back. “I’ve got your back”, she said.

“I’ve got your back”, I said back. I could feel her breath on my lips, so close and right there. We stayed touching foreheads for a few more seconds, and then we opened our eyes and smiled at each other. She let go of my left hand, took her right index finger and touched it lightly to my nose, and I giggled slightly. Then, she let go of my right hand, cupped my cheeks and planted a kiss right on my lips. I was stunned for a moment, since I had been the one leading the charge in terms of shouting our relationship to the world, but I recovered quickly and got lost in the moment. I wrapped my arms around her neck and closed my eyes, and I felt her arms go around my waist and pull me tight. I’d always loved the part of our little pre-game ritual where we embrace, but now that we are together, this was so much…I don’t know…better. It’s like, everything we do together felt better. I felt like so much has changed for me in the last month. Since I had opened my arms to the truth and was no longer afraid to deny it, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted everyone to share that feeling, and the feeling of unbridled joy that I finally knew, of what it felt like to be unburdened and to be with the one you love. I wanted everyone to know what that felt like, and I wanted everyone to know that I felt like that because I was with her. I stayed pressed against her, lost in the kiss, and then I heard someone clear her throat. We broke the kiss and I looked to my left and saw Pinoe standing in the doorway.

“Uh, guys – isn’t it a little too early to be celebrating?” Ashlyn and I both stared at her. Apparently neither one of us knew what to say. Pinoe stared at us for a moment longer and then said, “Well, uh…we haven’t won yet, so…uh….” She trailed off. Ashlyn and I continued to stare at her, still embracing each other. Then Pinoe smiled slightly, raised her eyebrows and gestured towards the door. Ashlyn and I looked at each other, then smiled slightly, and then turned towards Pinoe. Pinoe smiled back a knowing smile and then said, “C’mon you guys – let’s do this.” We walked past her, and as we did, she said in an exaggerated whisper, “You know – the sex will be better if we win.” Then she nodded her head to drive home her point, and I slugged her playfully in the arm.

 

******** 

 

Ashlyn’s POV

The whistle blew, and I jumped for joy and pumped my fist in the air. A roar like a freight train filled the stadium. I couldn’t believe it. We had just won the biggest tournament in the world. I did a couple 360s with my hands in the air and then ran up to hug my teammates. Carli, Pinoe, Abby, Whitney, Alex – I embraced them individually and in groups. I released Alex, and then turned around to and saw my princess standing there. I walked towards her, and as I went to embrace her she jumped up into my arms. I caught her and spun her around. She was laughing with joy and delight, and in that moment, right there, the barriers broke. Maybe it was winning the World Cup. Maybe it was seeing my princess brimming with unbridled happiness. Maybe it was remembering what she had said to me about us seizing the moment before either one of us takes an errant header to the skull. I set her down on her feet and wrapped her up in my arms. I looked straight at her, and she stared back at me, her beautiful brown eyes taking in all of me. Then I pulled her tight and slammed her lips against mine. I felt her arms go around my neck as she returned the kiss. Perhaps it was just the moment, but I actually thought I heard the crowd roar louder, even while at the same time, despite the noise and commotion, I lost myself in the feeling of kissing the woman I loved.

“Uh…guys…”Somewhere my brain registered Pinoe’s voice. We broke off our kiss to see Pinoe and a bunch of our team around us. Some were staring at us in disbelief, but some were looking at us like they knew all along that we belonged together. The press were around us as well. Pinoe looked at us for another moment, then broke into a sly smile. “It’s about fucking time”, she said. We all laughed together, and then we brought her in for a hug.

“Guys - we just won the World Cup!” Carli exclaimed as she came up to us. “Can I get in on this love fest too?” We laughed and brought her in too.

 

******** 

 

Ali’s POV:

My eyes fluttered open. At first I didn’t remember where I was, and then I remembered. High ceilings. Nice walls. And the arms of the woman I love wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and smiled as I thought about the day and night before – winning the world cup, celebrating with the team, post-party late-night bite to eat with Ashlyn, Pinoe, Whitney and Carli, and then coming back to the hotel with Ashlyn, making love and then falling asleep in her arms. Which is how I had just woke up, on my side, nestled in her arms, my head nuzzled into her neck. I kissed her neck softly and then got up. I’m not a big drinker, but we had done some serious drinking last night, and I was feeling pretty hung over. I went to the rest room to grab a cup of water, and as I passed the door to our room I saw a newspaper come through the bottom of the door. I picked it up, unfolded it, and my jaw dropped slightly.

On the cover was a story about the World Cup. The headline read, “World Cup Love”, and below that headline was a shot of Ashlyn and me, lips locked, arms around each other, with the rest of the team celebrating around us. I stared at it for a few seconds and then started laughing.

“Baby”, Ashlyn mumbled. I looked over and saw her stirring. I walked back to the bed and climbed back in.

“Hi stud”, I said.

“Hi princess”, she mumbled back. She looked at me with sleepy eyes, and I put my lips to hers and kissed her. Then she smiled and closed her eyes. “What were you laughing at?” she asked me. 

I stared at her for a moment, beautiful, striking, sleepy. Then I smiled and kissed her sleepy lips. She sighed lightly and fell back to sleep. “Nothing, babe”, I said, and smiled. She’d find out soon enough. This may be the last good sleep she gets before the tabloids get a hold of us. I laughed at that thought to myself and then got back in bed, nestled into my stud and closed my eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

Ali’s POV:

It had been a whirlwind week since the World Cup finals. We had a rally in L.A. the day after we arrived back from Vancouver, and then another one in New York City two days later, both of which were amazing. After that, Ashlyn and I came back to D.C. to a rousing welcome home from our Washington Spirit teammates and fans. I can’t describe the feeling this past week of being part of a team that was welcomed home like heroes. It was the icing on the top of the cake, just one more delightful reaffirmation that all of our hard work had paid off. This weekend is the first bit of time that we’ve had to ourselves. It’s back to Spirit practice on Monday, but right now, it’s just me and her. Some quality time with my stud.

“That was wonderful", I said as I looked at Ashlyn. "Thank you”. Ashlyn had taken me to Bourbon Steak in D.C., which is one of my favorite restaurants. Now we were walking arm-in-arm near the national monument. We were on a real date, me and the woman I love. I looked over at her and smiled. She looked amazing in her white shirt, grey vest and dark purple tie. I had bought her a new grey fedora, and she was wearing that as well. She had finally told me why she had gotten rid of the one she used to have, the one I had loved so much, and when she did, I had immediately started crying. But now, now that we are together and going to be forever, I had told her how much I loved it when she wore fedoras, and I bought her a new one. I smiled as I looked at her in it. She looked over, smiled back at me and then gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

“You’re welcome, baby”, she said. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” We walked a bit further, and as we neared the monument, we could see people in wedding garb taking pictures. “Looks like a wedding party”, she said.

I laughed softly and then asked her, “Remind you of anything?”

“Absolutely”, she said. “We were in Grant Park, in Chicago, near Buckingham Fountain. There was that wedding party playing in the fountain pool.”

I laughed at the memory. “Yeah… and I was trying to pretend as best I could that we were on a real date.” I squeezed her arm lightly.

She smiled at me and then said, “Me too.”

I nuzzled into her as we walked and then said, “Last time, when we were walking, I was imagining what it would be like if you had stopped us, turned me to face you, pulled me close, and kissed me.”

We walked for a couple more steps and then she stopped. “Like this?” she asked. She turned to face me and pulled me close. I could feel her breath on me. Then she leaned in and planted the gentlest kiss on my lips. We stayed there for a moment, and then she pulled back and smiled.

“Yeah, like that.” I gazed into her eyes and sighed. We held each other for a moment longer and then we continued walking arm-in-arm. We walked for a bit more and then took a seat on some stairs near the monument. 

“Are you warm enough, princess?” she asked as we sat down.

“Yeah, thanks”, I said and smiled in appreciation. It was a warm D.C. summer night, and I remembered how, on our ‘date’ in Chicago, she had draped her jacked over me when I had been cold. I smiled at that memory and sat down, and she sat on the step below me. “You sat above me last time,” I said.

“Huh?”

“Last time, when we were in Chicago, on our ‘date’, we stopped and sat on some steps, and you sat on the step above me.”

She smiled at me. “How do you remember that, baby?”

I smiled back shyly. “I know, it’s such a small detail, but I remember every part of that night. I remember us sitting there and you holding me from behind. And I remember that the stars were out that night.”

She smiled at me again, then looked up into the sky. “The stars are out tonight, too, baby. Look at all of them”, she said, looking around.

I looked up. She was right. Stars were everywhere. “Babe, I have to tell you something”, I began as I looked around the sky. “When we were in Chicago, sitting there on those steps, I remember looking up and wishing upon a star, the brightest star I saw”, I said, as I continued to look up and around. “We had been talking about having a wedding – well, a fake wedding,” I started to look down back towards her, “and I wished tha-“ I stopped mid-sentence, and my mouth dropped open.

Ashlyn was down on one knee. In her hand was a small box. In the box was a ring. I let out a small gasp. “Ash…w-w-wha…”

“Hi”, she whispered, looking up at me.

“Hi”, I managed to breath out.

She took a deep breath, exhaled, and then began. “I-I-I really don’t know where to begin”, she said. “I mean, looking back on things, I should have done this a long time ago. But, that’s the past, and we’re here now.” She looked down, and then looked back up, and when she did, I saw a tear form in her eye.

“Oh my God”, I squeaked out. Tears were starting to form in my eyes as well.

“Ali Krieger, you are the most amazing, beautiful, kind, passionate, and wonderful woman in the world. I fell in love with you the first time I set eyes on you, and…well…over the last ten years my love for you has only grown stronger.” The tears started to flow in earnest, tears of joy running down my face. She had tears running down her face now as well, and they were flowing down onto her smile below, the smile that lit up my world. “I know I said that I wanted to take things slow, but the truth is, I want it all now. Like you had said. I want us now. I love you, princess. I love you, and I want us to be together forever.”

“Babe”, I whispered. I couldn’t believe that this was happening right now. I had fantasized about this moment so many times, but now that it was actually happening, it was like a million times better than I could have ever imagined.

She took a deep breath and then looked me in the eyes. “Alexandra Blaire Krieger”, she said. “Will you marry me?”

I gasped out a little cry hearing those words and then said, “Yes…Yes, I will marry you!” At that, she exhaled and let out a cry of joy herself. She removed the ring from the box, then gently took my hand and slid the ring on my finger. I stared at it in awe for a moment, turning my hand, watching the diamond catch the light from a lamp nearby and the stars overhead. Then I looked at her and wrapped my arms around her neck. I felt her arms go around my wait and pull me in tight. I touched my forehead to hers for a moment, both of us crying tears of joy, and then I meshed my lips against hers, and I lost myself in this amazing moment. We stayed like that for I don’t know how long, and then I became aware of what sounded like clapping and cheering. I broke the kiss and looked around. The wedding party that had been taking pictures were clapping and cheering. I stared back for a second, and then a smile broke across my face and I looked at Ashlyn. She was smiling too, pure joy on her face, and then she looked back at me. We gazed at each other for a moment and then returned to our engagement kiss, the applause and cheers from the wedding party filling the nighttime air around us.


	19. Chapter 19

Ashlyn’s POV:

“Well…?” I said and let it hang.

Ali and I had been looking at apartments. Together. Three weeks had passed since I had proposed. We had been splitting time pretty evenly between our two places, but our first order of business after we got engaged was to look for a place together. Ali looked around one last time and then looked at me. “I love it”, she said with a smile. She was hanging on my arm, and she gave me a light squeeze. I smiled back, and then I planted a kiss on her lips.

“We’ll take it”, I told the realtor, a woman in her early forties with two daughters in junior high school.

“Wonderful!”, she said. She motioned to us to take a seat at the dining room table. This must have been like the fortieth apartment we had looked at, but as soon as we stepped in Ali had gushed, “Oh my God – it’s wonderful”, and I knew we had found the perfect place. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, remodeled eat-in kitchen, separate dining room, vaulted ceilings and arched entryways. It was the perfect combination of vintage charm and modern perks. “So, if you’ll just have a look at this…” the realtor started in with her paperwork. I sat there, kind of listening, but mostly staring at my princess as she excitedly went over the paperwork with the realtor. All I could think about was the fact that we were actually getting a place together.

“Babe?” Ali’s voice brought me back to the present.

“Oh, yeah, sorry”, I said. I took the pen and signed my name on the contract, then pushed it back to the realtor.

The realtor smiled and then said, “Great! We’re all set.” She paused and then said, “Actually, I have one more thing for you to sign…if you two don’t mind…would you sign this for my kids?” She produced a picture of Ali and me. The two of us had done a shoot for ESPN magazine a couple months ago. “My kids just adore you guys. Their dream is to play soccer for the Spirit,” she said. She smiled at us and handed us the picture and a Sharpie.

I looked at Ali who was beaming back at me, and then I smiled back and took the Sharpie. Signing a lease with my dream girl and autographs for fans. For someone who grew up cutting classes and skating in drainage ditches, I ended up alright.

 

******** 

 

Ali’s POV:

“Hey stud”, Ali whispered in the almost-darkness. Pale light from a street lamp came through the windows, dimly lighting the room.

“Hey princess”, I whispered back. It was our first night in our new apartment. We had taken the master bedroom with its own bathroom as our room, and we were snuggling in Ali’s bed. We had put my bed in the other bedroom, the guest room.

“I can’t believe we have a place together”, she purred.

“Me either”, I said. I put my lips to the back of her head and kissed her still-wet hair. She was on her side. I was spooning her from behind. We had taken a whirlpool bath together in the tub in our master bathroom about an hour ago and had gone directly from there to the bed. Now we were lying naked together. She was nestled into me, her head resting on my left arm, by right hand gently massaging her neck.

“I can’t wait to go shopping”, she said, and I laughed softly. We had moved everything we both own into our new apartment and were in the process of figuring out what to keep, what to toss, and, more excitingly, what new stuff we would buy together.

We laid in silence for a moment and then I said, “Do you remember those times, laying in bed together, but when we weren’t together?”

“Yeah”, she said. “Those were painful. I mean, they were nice, but also painful.”

“Yeah”, I agreed. I was silent for a moment and then said, “Well, neither one of us will ever have to endure that again.”

She laughed softly and then leaned her head back and kissed me in the near dark. Then she rolled over to face me.

“Do you remember after our ‘date’ in Chicago?” she asked. “We were laying in your bed, talking, and I had said that I had enjoyed planning our wedding.”

“I remember”, I said. “And, just for the record – I remember sitting on the step above you when we were sitting near Buckingham Fountain.”

“You do?” she asked, surprised.

“Yup. I played dumb when you asked me the night we got engaged, just so I didn’t ruin my proposal setup, but yes, I remember.” I smoothed her hair with my fingers and then said, “You’re not the only one who remembers everything about that night.” I touched her nose lightly with my finger and she giggled softly.

“So, you remember us talking about our wedding then, huh?” she asked, and then brushed her lips lightly against mine.

“Wait – I thought that was a pretend wedding.” I teased. "We're not really ever going to get married, are we?"

It was dark but I could tell she scrunched up her face. Then I felt it. Her hands went to my sides and I exploded in laughter as she tickled me. I writhed for a few seconds and then tickled her back, and then it was all-out tickle war for about a minute in the near-darkness of our bedroom. Eventually we both relented, and I ended up on my back again, with her sitting upright, straddling me.

“Of course, I remember, baby”, I said, half-laughing and half-panting. “I remember every detail.”

“You’d better”, she said. “Because we’ve got a lot of planning to do if we’re going to get to Hawaii.” I smiled in the darkness, thinking about the wedding we would have. She stayed sitting upright for a moment and then leaned over to kiss me, a serious, big-girl kiss.

“I love you, stud”, she whispered.

“I love you, princess”, I whispered back. I felt her lips brush mine again, and then they slowly started to make their way down to my neck. They paused there as Ali lightly nibbled at my neck, and then her lips continued their journey south. “Oh God” I whispered in a shattered breath, not sure if I was referring to what was happening right now or the fact that we were going to get married, or both.

I still couldn’t believe it. This was really happening. It was really meant to be.


	20. Chapter 20

Ali’s POV:

“It’s beautiful”, I said.

“Yes, it is”, she agreed. We were standing on a bridge, looking at the nighttime lights dance over the water. Back home, and in many other places in the northern hemisphere it was cold right now, but here, warm island air blew across our faces. We were in Hawaii, a few blocks from our hotel in Waikiki, overlooking the Ala Wai canal as it lead into the city. Behind us the canal fed out into the Pacific Ocean. I was holding Ashlyn from behind, and she was leaning slightly back, resting her head on my shoulder. “Isn’t this how it all began?” she asked. “Like, ten years ago, in Paris?”

“Yup”, I said. “God, ten years ago…” I trailed off, thinking about everything that had transpired since that day.

“Yeah. Wow…we’ve lived in multiple cities, played all over the world, met so many people…” she said, continuing my thought.

“And fell in love”, I said. She laughed lightly, then turned around in my arms. She put her arms around my waist, and my arms went around her neck. We gazed at each other for a moment, and then I leaned in to kiss her. We stayed like that for a moment, our lips locked, tongues dancing, and then I felt her take my bottom lip in her teeth and nibble on it lightly.

“Babe”, I breathed.

She nibbled for a few more seconds and then released my lip and said, “You wanna head back?” I nodded emphatically, and she took my hand and lead me off the bridge and back towards our wedding suite at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel…

******** 

Ashlyn’s POV:

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wife and wife!” The minister exclaimed. “You may now kiss as brides!”

Applause erupted as I pulled Ali in tight. We were on the beach out back of our hotel. The sun was shining, and the water sparkled a brilliant blue in the late afternoon Hawaiian sun. I looked at my baby, glowing on our special day. She looked radiant in her traditional wedding gown and lei Hawaiian flower necklace. I was wearing a traditional tux, a lei around my neck as well. Both of us were wearing indoor soccer shoes, as was our entire bridal party. My princess and I held each other for a moment and then pulled back. I looked into those beautiful brown eyes, tears of joy streaming down her face, and I planted the most glorious kiss ever right on her lips. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the moment as the applause grew even louder. We stayed locked like that for a moment, and then I felt something hit my leg. I broke the kiss and looked around and then down. There, on the ground at my feet, was a soccer ball. I looked around, and I saw Pinoe wink at me. Our bridal party was staring at us in anticipation. I looked out at our wedding guests, a hundred deep, our families and friends, casually attired in aloha shirts and Hawaiian-style dresses. Everyone was smiling, laughing, applauding. Ali and I looked at each other, grinning like idiots, the two happiest people on earth. Then I picked up the ball and spun it on my finger.

“Have some drinks and enjoy the game!” Ali announced to the guests. We had set up a little makeshift field on the beach with two small goals fifty yards apart from each other. Time for a short celebratory 6-vs-6 game featuring some of our closest family members and some of the best players in the world. Wait staff were bringing out fruity drinks with umbrellas to the guests.

“Alright, game on!” I yelled as I tossed the ball into the middle of the field.

******** 

Ali’s POV:

I heard silverware clinking against glasses, and I looked over at Ashlyn. She looked over at me, smiled and kissed me. That must have been like the hundredth time since dinner had been served that I had heard silverware clink on glasses, but I was A-OK with that. They could clink a thousand more times tonight. I could keep kissing my stud forever.

“Speech!” I heard someone yell.

“Yeah, speech!” someone else yelled.

“Kriegs – looks like you’re up”, Pinoe said with a smile. She was my maid of honor, sitting just to my left. Dinner had been served on the beach, luau-style. We had the table closest to the water, facing back towards the hotel, Our guests were at tables facing us. Whitney Engen was Ashlyn’s maid of honor, sitting just to Ashlyn’s right. I smiled at Megan, then looked at my stud, gave her a quick kiss, and then stood up.

“Well, first of all, on behalf of Ashlyn and myself and our families, thank you all for coming”, I addressed everyone. “I know it’s a long way from home, and I know we invited everyone on pretty short notice.” I paused and looked down at Ashlyn, who smiled at me. I got the sense that she was about to cry, although this time, everything was right. “You know, I’m sure in a lot of ways it seems like this whole thing”, I said, motioning around me, “well, everything, I guess, has come together all of a sudden. I mean, it was just five months ago when most of you found out about Ashlyn and me being together when that picture of us kissing came out on the front pages of the Vancouver Sun, and then got blasted all over the internet.” I smiled as I remembered seeing the newspaper the day after we had won the World Cup, and how I had laughed when I had seen it, knowing what would happen. “As an aside, somehow I got the feeling that not everyone was surprised when they saw that picture”, I said light-heartedly, and everyone laughed. “Anyway, I guess that’s probably when the rest of the world found out about us as well”, I said, and everyone laughed again.

I paused for a moment and then continued, “You know, in a certain sense, I guess that’s kind of how this whole thing has gone. By that, I mean that, well, things haven’t always gone for us as I think we both would have wanted them to go. I mean, we wanted to tell all of you about us before the rest of the world found out, but I guess circumstances and timing ended up having things work out otherwise.” I looked down at Ashlyn again. It was weird – being able to talk about circumstances and timing, things that had at one time been such touchy and even downright depressing subjects, but now, now that we were together, they were things we could smile at and talk about lightly. It was weird, but it was great. To be able to now talk lightly about things that used to be so painful was such a liberating feeling. “I know everything seems sudden, and in many ways it has been”, I continued. “I mean, we really just started dating right before the World Cup, then we got engaged pretty much right after we got home, then we moved in together, and then we started planning this wedding and invited all of you.” I paused for a moment. I was starting to get choked up, but I collected myself and continued. “But, this whole thing really started over ten years ago, at the U-21 training camp. I guess it was love at first sight, for both of us.” I heard a collective “Awwwww” come from our guests, and I looked down at Ashlyn, who had a tear in her eye. “But, for the next ten years, we ended up ping-ponging back and forth, somehow never connecting, even though we both wanted the same thing – to be with each other.” I was welling up, and now I had tears in my eyes as well. “A-a-and now we’re here”, I squeaked out. “Getting married...”

The room was silent. I turned to Ashlyn. I put out my hands, she grabbed them, and I pulled her to her feet. I looked into her eyes, which were wet with tears of joy, and said, “I love you, Ashlyn Harris. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, I choked out, crying my own tears of joy, and then I threw my arms around her. “I love you, babe!”

“I love you too, baby”, I heard her breath into my neck as she hugged me tight. I heard another collective “Awwwww…” from the room. I held Ashlyn tight for another moment, and then I took my left arm and pumped it in the air while I continued to hug her with my right, and I heard the “Awwwww” turn to cheers and applause.

******** 

Ashlyn’s POV:

“Hi stud”, Ali said.

We had finished dinner and were now dancing on the beach, under a starlit Hawaiian sky. A band played traditional Hawaiian music against the sound of waves gently lapping on the shore. Ali had ditched her shoes. I had ditched mine too, as well as my jacket, and I had put on the fedora that my princess had bought me.  
“Hi princess”, I said back.

We danced facing each other for a few more minutes, and then Ali turned her back towards me and backed up into me. I held her close as we danced, nuzzling into the back of her neck. We danced like that for a while and then she turned around to face me again. She took the fedora off my head and placed it on her own, and then put her arms around my neck. She pulled me in close and gave me a long kiss.

******** 

The tiki torches were out. The guests were gone. The tables and chairs and food had been cleared away. It was just me and my baby, lying naked on towels on the sand. I was on my back. Ali was laying on her side, her arm draped over me, her head nuzzled into my neck. After all the guests had left I had snagged a couple towels from a cabana stand near the beach. Then we had walked down the beach to a more secluded section and then had stripped off our clothes and had gone skinny dipping. We had started kissing in the water, then had come up to the beach and had laid on our towels and made love under the stars. Now we were lying together, enjoying the tail end of our first night as a married couple.

“Hey”, I whispered.

“Hey”, she breathed back.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“We’re married”, I said with a smile. I touched her nose with the tip of my finger. She giggled and then kissed my neck.

“I know”, she whispered. “It’s amazing.” She exhaled a contented sigh.

“Ten years…” I trailed off.

“Took us long enough,” she mused.

“But we’re here now.”

“Yes, we are.”

We were silent for a minute, and then I said, “Hey princess?”

“Yeah?”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I love you”, I said, and kissed her softly.

She picked her head up and smiled at me in the island moonlight. “I love you too, stud”, she said. She kissed me again and then nuzzled back into me. I kissed her hair and then looked up into the starlit sky and let out a deep, contended sigh.

The princess and the stud. You’d think we were together.

And guess what?

We are.


	21. Chapter 21

Epilogue

6 months later

Ali’s POV:

“Babe, are you sure you’re okay to go?” Ashlyn asked me.

“Yeah. I’m okay to go. I mean, I want to go. I’m okay to go. Whatever – let’s go”, I said. I looked at Ashlyn and smiled to let her know I was okay, and then leaned in and gave her a kiss. “Before I change my mind”, I said, a little bit seriously but mostly in jest. My stud smiled at me and then ushered me out the door.

 

******** 

 

“Hey guys!” Ashley skated over to us. We had just finished watching one of her roller derby bouts. Ashlyn and Ashley had started talking a bit after Ashlyn and I had returned home from our honeymoon in Hawaii. Ashley had initiated their correspondence by sending Ashlyn a text congratulating her on our marriage. Ashley had heard about it through some media outlet, maybe TMZ. Since having our post-World Cup win kiss captured on the front page of the Vancouver Sun and then shared all over the internet, Ashlyn and I have been in the press quite a bit, and multiple media outlets had reported when we had gotten married. When Ashlyn had received the text from Ashley, she had showed it to me, partly because it was a nice text, and partly because she had wanted to ask me if it was okay if she responded back to thank Ashley. I was a bit conflicted, but in the end I realized that, even though they were together for a bit, I was the one who ended up with my stud, and Ashley seemed like a nice person. If Ashlyn wanted to respond back, and even if they ended up becoming friends, I should be okay with that. So Ashlyn responded back, and then the two of them started to correspond on a somewhat infrequent basis. Two weeks ago, Ashley had asked Ashlyn if she and I wanted to come to one of her roller derby bouts. Again, I had been conflicted about going, but again, I ended up realizing that it should be fine.

“Hey Ashley”, Ashlyn said. “Great game…uh, match…uh…bout. Bout, right?”

Ashley laughed. “Yes, Ashlyn, it’s called a bout.” We all laughed.

“Ashley – this is Ali. Ali, this is Ashley”, Ashlyn said, making the introductions. Ashley knew who I was, and I knew who she was, but we had never met before.

“Nice to meet you, Ali”, Ashley said cheerfully and stuck out her hand. “Thanks so much for coming.”

“Nice to meet you too, Ashley”, I said as I shook her hand. “It was fun”, I said. “And pretty physical.” I had never seen roller derby before. It was much more physical than I thought. These women were in pretty good shape. And tough as well. I saw a couple of them get checked into the fence that surrounds the rink, and one woman had been checked into the announcer table. Even though she had been wearing a helmet, her head had hit the corner of the table very hard. That had to have hurt. I winced when I saw that as I thought back to my own head injury. 

“Hey you!” I heard a voice and looked over. A pretty young woman with short-ish light brown hair skated over to Ashley.

“Hey hon”, Ashley said back. She held out her arm, and the woman skated right up to her. Ashley wrapped her in a one-arm embrace and then gave the woman a gentle kiss on the lips. “Ashlyn, Ali – this is Tara. Tara is on the Demoncats with me", Ashley said.

“Hi guys”, Tara said in a cheerful voice. She shook both of our hands and then said, “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah, it was great”, Ashlyn said, and I nodded my head in agreement.

“Demoncats!” the voice came. We all looked over and saw a large woman calling out to the auditorium.

“Well, we gotta go”, Ashley said. “Time for the post-bout talk in the locker room.”

I laughed understandingly. “Yeah, we know that drill”. I said, looking at Ashlyn.

“Well, thank you guys again for coming”, Tara said.

“Yeah, it was nice to see you again”, Ashley addressed Ashlyn. “And it was really nice to meet you”, Ashley addressed me. “And congratulations on getting married.”

“Thank you”, I said. “It was nice to meet you too.”

“Alright guys, take care”, Ashlyn said.

“Hey”, Tara said, as we started to turn and head for the doors, “we should do lunch or something.” Ashlyn looked at her and then looked at Ashley and then looked at me.

I looked at Ashlyn and then at Ashley and Tara. “Yeah, that would be great”, I said. And I meant it.

“Demoncats! Let’s go!”

“Uh, okay, we’d really better go, or Val Capone will kill us”, Ashley said, and we all laughed. She looked at Ashlyn and said, “I’ll call you.”

“Sounds good”, Ashlyn said.

“See you guys,” I said, as we turned around to leave. We started walking towards the door to leave the auditorium, and Ashlyn took my hand. I looked at her and smiled, and she smiled back and then leaned in to kiss me.

“Did you have fun?” she asked me.

“I did”, I said smiling. It had been fun. “And, they seem really cool”, I said. And I meant it.

“You’d really be okay with having lunch with them?” Ashlyn asked me.

Yeah. I would be”, I said. They seemed like good people. “As long as you’re cool with it, stud”, I said. I looked at Ashlyn coyly as I jested.

Ashlyn smiled and then kissed me again. We walked for a bit and then she asked me, “Did you ever hear again from Kate?” Kate had texted me when we had won the World Cup to say congratulations. I had shown the text to Ashlyn, and I had asked her if I could text back. Ashlyn, being the most awesome person in the world, had said yes, so I texted Kate back and thanked her, and I asked how she was doing. I never heard back, but the fact that she had texted me to congratulate me had lifted a weight off of me.

“No, I never heard back”, I said. “I’ll be honest - I was hoping to hear back from her, and maybe even start up a dialog again, like you have with Ashley, but, well, you know…I mean, we were together for a pretty long time, so…”

“Yeah, I know”, Ashlyn said understandingly. We walked for a few more seconds and then she said, “Alright – enough about other people for tonight”, she said, and then touched my nose with her finger. I giggled, and she pulled me tight and kissed me while we walked, her arm around my shoulder and my arm around her waist. I looked into her eyes and smiled, and then she said, “Alright, princess, let’s get you home”, then winked at me flirtatiously. I laughed and gave her a squeeze, and we walked out of the auditorium.

 

******** 

 

8 years later

Ashlyn’s POV:

“Go, Maddie, go!!!” I yelled.

Ali and I were at a park near our house. We were watching Madison Krieger-Harris, our five-year old daughter, play in her first year of youth soccer, organized through the local park district. It was a gorgeous spring morning in D.C., and Ali and I were standing on the sidelines with two dozen other parents, drinking coffee and cheering on our little ones. Maddie had the ball and was dribbling near midfield. 

“Maddie, pass the ball!” Ali yelled. Maddie tried to pass the ball but ended up kicking it past her teammate, who stood there, watching the ball roll by her.

“Maddie, go after it!” I yelled, and started to trot down the field to follow the play.

“Ash!” Ali said loudly.

“Maddie, chase-“ I started again.

“Babe!” Ali yelled.

”What?!” I yelled back, not angry but excited. Ali looked at me, her eyes wide. She raised her eyebrows and then looked down. “Oh, shi-shnit!” I kind of swore. I looked down and then remembered I was holding our three month old daughter, Kelly Krieger-Harris. I looked down at Kelly. She was snoozing in my arms. Apparently my yelling and starting to run had no effect on her ability to sleep. I gazed at Kelly for a moment and then touched her nose with my finger, and then I looked at Ali sheepishly. “Sorry, baby”, I said. Ali looked at me with that lightly chiding look that she gives me so often, like whenever I forget to pick up formula for Kelly when I'm grocery shopping or leave the coffee pot on when we rush out the door to take Maddie to school. Then she broke into a smile to let me know that I hadn’t done anything too egregious. “I got, like, really into the game.“ Ali and I retired a few years ago from playing professionally, so nowadays I guess I live vicariously through Maddie.

“Yeah, I know”, Ali said and smiled at me. “Here, stud”, she said, and she held out her arms to take Kelly. Almost nine years together, and she still calls me stud. It's awesome. I handed Kelly to her and then stared lovingly at them as Ali cradled our little one in her arms. Ali is an absolutely wonderful mother. She cooed at Kelly for a moment and then looked at me. “Okay – now you can go run off”, she said with a smile.

I smiled back, still a little sheepish that I might have actually run at least a few steps down the sideline before I remembered that I was carrying our younger daughter. Then I squared my shoulders and said, “Alright, let’s do this!” and ran down the sideline to follow the play. I took a few steps and then looked back, and I saw Ali looking at me. She was kind of laughing and kind of shaking her head. I love that woman. And, for some reason, despite my sometimes dumbass-ness, she loves me back. The princess and the stud. And their two kids. What a family. I thought about that for a moment as I looked at Ali cradling Kelly, and then I turned my attention back to the game. Maddie was running after the ball again. “Go Maddie, go!” I yelled like an exuberant parent, and ran down the sidelines to follow the play.


End file.
